I’m wearing the target

 
I feel like this bear… like I’ve painted a big target on myself so that everything that could possibly happen would.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~you don’t have to read this… most of it prob won’t even make sense~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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This TDY trip is THE most asstarded thing ever! The training is in Nevada, where did they go? San Deigo. So now that they are in Nevada they have to get another hotel room… and since the rates are different we have to pay for this out of pocket! They left all the civilian shit back at the hotel in SD so it isn’t even like they could just check out. What the hell?! I knew the Army was unorganized but this is fucking insanity.

11 days down…. 8 days to go.

And if I’m still alive when he gets home it will be a miracle. I’m about to collapse from exhaustion. Nicholai didn’t wake up last night until 4am so I thought ok… I will just bring him to bed with me and we can sleep the next 3 hours until his wake-up time.

WRONG!

At 4:30 am he wakes up and starts screaming! And he kept screaming until 6:30am! It didn’t matter how I layed him, if I sat up and held him, layed down and held him, talked to him, sang to him…. nothing mattered. He just screamed and screamed. I didn’t get him back to bed til right before 7 so we just slept until 8am because I was so damn tired. Can I just say that I’m so jealous of my husband. He has gotten so much sleep… he gets to sleep in every day. All I want is sleep. I dream of sleep. I’m on the verge of being pissed at Chris because he gets so much damn sleep. It isn’t fair… I was sleep to. He was sitting in a hotel room not doing anything but watching House on his laptop… he didn’t need all those hours of sleep. Meanwhile I’m back here struggling for 2 hours of sleep and carrying a cranky baby all day long because he won’t let me put him down.

I swear… sleep is a gift that moms never get. I don’t even know what it’s like to sleep more then 4 hours in a row… and even that much sleep is rare. 11 nights of this. I’m losing my mind.

And Chris finally called me on the phone. Jessica’s husband called her every day of this stupid TDY, sometimes more then once but my hubby… no. So I know that he was avoiding me or he just didn’t want to talk to me… and I’m hurt by that, hurt and angry. It makes me think back to the deployment with Rob. It makes me wonder what this deployment will be like. I just can’t believe that he wouldn’t talk to me. I figured he was avoiding me because of his cousin… asked him about that last night…. he says he is fine. I told him that I don’t believe him and he said that he didn’t think I would but that when he gets home I will see that he is fine.

I call super ultra mega BULLSHIT!

And if he really was/is fine…. then why didn’t he call me for 2 days?

I’m so over this shit! I’m tired, I wish my son would just stop crying long enough for me to sleep at night… I wish I was enough to help Nicholai just be ok. I wish my husband would tell me the truth of the situation, of what is on his mind, because I feel like I’m being lied too. I feel like he doesn’t care… like I’m just this object he has back home. And he calls the hotel rooms home now. It’s small and stupid, but that hurts my feelings too.

I have a feeling that I wouldn’t be so sensitive to all this if I had more sleep. If I had time to eat. If I had time to shower. If I had time to go to the bathroom… but I don’t have time for any of that because Nicholai demands every ounce of my attention and I give it to him.

Ugh… FMMFL

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life