leave it to the Army

 
I don’t know how to really explain what I’m sure is going to be a crazy, nonsensical entry. Things have come to light that I really don’t think I’m ready to process right now and I just want to vent about it really fast before my head explodes.

Chris text me earlier today. Everything has changed. I am so sick of the Army right now… I don’t know what is going to happen or how to feel about anything. I can only plan to December because after that… everything is up in the air. That April deployment, apparenlty that is no more, and now he is moving to a new batallion. He won’t even be in 5th anymore, no, now he is going to 6th and they are deployiing in late January or early February to the one place that I wanted him to go to even less then Iraq…. he is going to Afghanistan. We have no idea how long the deployment is going to be. I’m thinking its going to be 9 months to a year because that would be our luck. We were so close. He was supposed to out process to B company on Thursday! And we would have had the April deployment to the Philippines for 6 months. We were so damn close! And now this… what is this shit?! I can’t even believe it right now… I mean are you flipping kidding me?! Everything was set… we were planning on how everything was going to go, but no, leave it to the Army to just rip off the legs you are standing on right out from underneath you.

I am trying my best to look at the bright side of this. The money that we will get would be nice to have right after Christmas to get us back on track. And the sooner we start this deployment the sooner it will be over…. but that is about the extent of the bright side that I can see. Afghanistan?! Really… really…. and he is going to miss so much of Nicholai being little. Nicholai is going to be 5-6 months when he leaves… and he is going to do so much growing up while Chris is gone. Crawling and walking and talking… and Chris is going to miss it all and it breaks my heart, not only for Chris but for Nicholai. I look at that little boy and I hate to think that he isn’t going to have his daddy around while he is growing up. Its crazy how much being a mother changes your perspective on, well, everything. Before this my mindset was ok deployment… he and I will be fine, the seperation will be hard but we will come out stronger because of it, it will refresh our relationship when he gets back home and now all I can think about is how Nicholai won’t have his daddy around him. I never thought I would look at it that way,

I am going to have to be stronger then I ever thought because not only will I have to be strong for Chris but I will have to be strong for Nicholai as well. It’s crazy how much different life is now that I have Nicholai to think about. I want him to be happy, I don’t want him to go without and being without his daddy…. that is a BIG without.

And not to mention, even though I already have, that it’s Afghanistan. It’s so dangerous. And I know that the worry is going to be the hardest part of this. I can deal with the seperation, but the worry that something might happen to Chris. I shouldn’t think that way I know, but it is a reality and if I don’t atleast let it cross my mind…. that would just be stupid of me. Soldiers are still losing their lives over there… and to think that Chris will be over there in that mess, to think that there is a very small chance that Nicholai would be without a daddy forever… that kills me. The worrying is going to be the hardest part for me.

And all this because the Army is… well… the Army. This is what the Army does… for all the good stuff that the Army provides us with they sure know how to screw us over.

And to think… I was going to write about getting my pre-pregnancy body back. I guess that will have to be for another time.

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life