nudger…. and disappointment

 Well… lets start with the good news. My little nudger, yup, the little one is moving. I realized about a week after the nudging started that it was the little one moving. It started out only at night when I was laying down that I would feel this nudge in my lower abdomen but it would only be once or twice and then it would stop to I chalked it up to my intestines working. Well the day before yesterday I was sitting on the couch and I felt a nudge and then another one and then another one. Then in the morning while I was at work more nudging. And then today I felt it off and on all day. Sometimes it tickles… its amazing. Every time I feel it I can’t help but smile. Chris can’t feel it yet and he is frustrated about that but I keep telling him that soon he will be able to and to just be a little more patient. It just blows my mind away that I can feel the little nudger, nudging and bumping me, as if to be saying… did you know I was here? Pay attention to me! I love it!

So that is the end of the pregnancy part of this…. since I posted this in the pregnancy circle. Feel free to stop reading here because the rest of this is ranting and long. Heh…

And here begins the reason I wrote this… the meaning of the title. So… with the trip to Jersey coming up my sister asked me about the MIL situation and if she should invite her to the shower. I told her that I would talk to Chris about it. So he called the MIL to talk about the apology thing. She said that I would have to apologize first, but that she would email me. So she did. This is the email.

Hey Laura,
There’s some tension between us because of what happened the weekend that I visited. I’ve been waiting for an apology & Chris brought it to my attention that you might not know why I felt so hurt. I thought he would’ve told you when I "lost it" with him on the phone. He says he may of not conveyed it correctly. So, per his request, I will tell you myself.
Simply put, I felt like you & Chris were ungrateful for the few things I did for you (ie…bought you a coffee pot, cleaned up the apt.,took you to dinner). I did those things out of love & I wanted no more than a thank you. Chris did thank me for dinner tho. Then Saturday night you two played video games & ignored me. Not only that but, you were playing where I was sleeping. I know you guys can play games til 2AM & be OK to walk around the zoo all day. I’m older & have Fibomyalgia, so I can’t do that. I know I should’ve said something. I’m still not sure why I didn’t. It’s probably that I was taught that when you stay at some one’s home, it’s not polite to complain. Well, that the long & short of it. I hope I explained things so they’re clearer.
 
Mom

So I sent back…

Hi,
 
The reason why I haven’t apologized is because I was waiting for an apology from you. Chris did tell me about the phone conversation where you "lost it" and the things you said about me and the name that you called me. I don’t usually put up with or stand for anyone calling me that unless they are my friend and using it in a joking kind of way, otherwise it is not okay. So I was upset, hurt and angry to say the least. I realize that you were upset about other things, not just that weekend, but, to me, that does not justify you saying the things about me that you did.
 
I am sorry if I didn’t thank you like you expected. I am still shy around you, it took a lot for me to sit around with you and talk, that isn’t like me to do that with people that I still don’t know very well and I tried my very best to be open with you. That in of itself was hard for me. As for the video games, we were playing with my sister which we really only get to do over the weekend. I know that you were here, but we weren’t ignoring you, you could have talked to us and we would have been more then happy to talk to you or had we known that you felt ignored I would have told my sister that we would just have to play another time. Chris and I both work long hours and its not often that we get to play with my family. We only played til a little after 12am because we were planning on going to the zoo the next day, I didn’t realize that we were putting you out of your bed because you hadn’t said anything.
 
I don’t really know what else I can say to make this better. I am still hurt by what you said about me. I would never say things like that about you to Chris, its just wrong in my opinion, but I did what I had to do in order to put it behind me. Chris feels like he is stuck in the middle of this and I don’t want him to be uncomfortable. If you don’t want to apologize for what was said, I guess I have no choice but to live with that, but I would like for Chris’s, as well as the rest of our sakes, to move on from this.
 
Laura

I thought that was a very adult and mature email, telling her how I feel without bashing her for what happened. I apologized in the email, expecting that was the open door that she needed to apologize to me. However the next email that I got from her simply said "I’ve already moved on." and I said that I have moved on too and that was apparently the end of that. Now don’t get me wrong… I have moved on. I’m not angry or upset or really even hurt anymore, but she never apologized. All I wanted was an apology and she couldn’t even be adult enough to give me that? We are family, I am carrying her first grandchild… but she can’t find it in her Christian heart to apologize to me for something that she did wrong?

Part of me wants Chris to stand up for me, to tell her that apologizing to him isn’t enough, that I deserve an apology. He said he doesn’t want to be in the middle and I guess I understand that. He says that no matter what he does someone is going to be angry so he is staying out of it. I am his wife though… if it were me and my parents I would tell them that they needed to apologize. I know that he and his mother are close and I am trying my hardest to respect that, but it brings back memories. This whole situation reminds me so much of when I was dating Ferguson and his drunk mother would scream at me about what a bitch I am, how I am only dating her son for the sex, how I am a whore and I know that she was drunk and high many times but that still damaged my self esteem. And this makes me feel like it is happening all over again. I don’t know when I realized that this was the reason the whole MIL situation was bothering me so much, but I have realized that its all stemming back to Ferguson’s mother.

That is my MIL, I should be like a daughter to her… some mother she is. I have honestly lost almost all my respect for her as an adult, as a mother and as a Christian. She is always talking so highly of her beliefs… but they don’t seem to have any bearing on this situation. My friends from SG say to kill her with kindness, which was my plan because I am out of options short of emailing her again and saying that I still think I deserve an apology. She is an adult, 40 something and she fucked up big time. I think that I deserve an apology. If this is how she treats this situation I am going to have to watch her with the grandchildren because these "values" of hers are not something I want my children to learn. She did a great job with Chris, but maybe she is all parented out? And there is nothing that I can do. I just have to deal…. heh. And I have to deal with the fact that even though I want Chris to say something, even though it hurts me that he isn’t standing up for me, even though I am his wife and we are starting our own family, that in this situation his mother isn’t going to realize her wrongdoings, that she is going to keep on being the way she is and I am just going to have to suck this in every time I see her, put on a happy face and forget that even though all I wanted is an apology… that she was too immature of a person to give me one. And with this whole situation drudging up all kinds of hurtful memories there is nothing that I can do about it. I was left vulnerable in this situation and this cut went deeper then I even realized and there is no fixing it. Just covering it up and moving forward. I know that I can do that. I know that I can keep my mouth shut about this… I will never speak of this again unless something else comes up regarding it. I am ok with that.

But that doesn’t change the fact that her disregard for my feelings as a person, as a mother to be, as her "daughter" and as a woman have cut me…. and that hurts.

So I will put that smile on my face and mean it, I will be nice and hug her and "kill her with kindness" as they said…. I won’t be calling her mom anymore…. so Lisa or Mrs. (insert her married name here), but not mom ever again because I no longer see her as my "mom" and she makes me appreciate my own mum so much more because even though she and I had our fights and rough times….. she would never be that rude to anyone I was with no matter how much she didn’t like them or what they did. And this is why…. because she wouldn’t hurt someone else like this.
 

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life