January 23, 2009

taking the first step

I have a problem…. I am taking the first step and admitting that I have a problem and I may need help.

I am addicted to books. There I said it… its out in the open. I am totally, 100%, can’t control myself addicted to books. I decided that I would run some errands today. I thought I was going to have work but that fell through so I slept in til 10:30 (which was amazing by the way) and sat around and had a slow start. I got dressed, and headed out. I stopped at Target and got some new candles for the centerpiece on the table, and got a personal pizza since I was starving by then. And then I went to Barnes & Noble. I could live in that place. I did well today and only walked out with 3 books. Two of which are in a series that I am reading called Sweep. I bought the first book a while back and read it in about 2 days which considering how short it is I should have read it faster, but anyway, I went today to get the 2nd book. I thought there were only 6, well today they had up to book 12. OMG. I almost sat there and bought them all but told myself no…. bad idea

….. baby on the way…..

….. must save money…….

…… put the books down…..

I went and looked in the New Age section to see if there were any books on Wiccan parenting. There weren’t, but that came as no real surprise. I am going to have to order one from my catalog. So I bought another Wicca book. That makes about 20 that I have now. Its called "Witch School" first degree. It goes up to third degree in the book store but its the book that is used in some of the online classes that I wanted to take so I think its going to work out well. I have always wanted a book like this that has history, rituals and spells to practice… back to the basics really since that is what I need, I have fallen out of practice since I moved down here and moved in with Chris. And now, with baby on the way, I feel the need to really get back into it… because I really want to raise my baby with some Wiccan background. I think its important. Though Chris and I will have to talk about it more but the last we talked about it he seemed fine with that as long as we incorporate things in, which I don’t mind at all.

After the book store, and forcing myself to leave without picking up any more pregnancy books since I already have 2 and don’t need to worry about reading up on natural labor quite yet since I am only in month 3, I stopped at the mall and stopped in Motherhood. I’m not really showing except that it looks like I ate too much so I didn’t buy any clothes but I did look at prices and found some Belly Bars in there that I thought about buying over the internet so I figured I would buy them and see how they are…. pretty tasty if you ask me. I signed up for about 6 million things while I was there… they even know my due date. I couldn’t believe all the information the needed to know, but I have coupons coming my way…. and coupons for baby things are always good.

After the mall I went to check on hubby’s car since he was paranoid about it not starting after sitting for so long.

It started fine.

So off to the commisary I went to shop for the week. Managed to only spend $91. Go me!

I have more cleaning and laundry to do tomorrow. I am going to sit around the house and clean and get ready for Chris coming home. 4 1/2 days left until he does… I can’t wait. Feels like I never lived with him… I feel like I have always lived on my own. Its boring.

I am sick of winter. Winter starts too early and ends too late. Yes, I realize that its still January, but I am tired of the cold. I want to go to the Botanical Gardens and walk in the sun. I miss nature… I miss the flowers and the leaves on the trees. I miss the smell of spring. I miss the grass and the thunderstorms. I miss it a lot. Winter always leaves me feeling disconnected from the world, that I don’t quite belong. Maybe that has a lot to do with me being a Leo and my season being summer… winter is the exact opposite. I feel so alive in the summer and winter leaves me feeling empty. The trees are bare, the leaves are gone, the sun is dim, the world is cold and it all leaves me feeling seperate from nature. I think that is part of the reason why I feel the need to get back into Wicca more…. because I feel so much more connected to Goddess during the spring and the summer.

I drove around some today…. just thinking. I find myself doing that a lot since I am alone for now. I think about what the future will bring. I think about what is going to happen. Wonder if certain things will happen. I worry.

I worry that I am losing some of my creativity. I don’t draw anymore. I haven’t played my flute in a while. I don’t write poems anymore…. were did all of that go? I wish I had an answer for that. I have none.

I’m sure part of it has to do with how I feel and a lot more of it has to do with work, but it worries me that I may be losing it. Its something that I have to work on. I can’t just notice it slipping and have it magickally come back…. I have to do something to keep it. I know that.

Well I am going to get back to my book now….. and then its off to bed. Just 5 more nights (counting tonight) until I get to fall asleep in his arms again.