and the countdown begins
Hmmm first things first. The in-laws came down for the weekend and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. A little weird for me in the beginning but the nervous feeling I had left pretty quickly and though there wasn’t a lot for us to do we did go out to eat breakfast, we played Farkle and Uno, we watched a movie, Chris and I cooked dinner for them and they liked it…. so all in all it was a good time and maybe I did get closer to Mike because we ended up making a run to Rite-Aid to get some stuff and we have a decent conversation.
They did end up bringing the dog. Cassie was scared of the cats but Riku and Cassie did get into it when Riku tried to eat out of her bowl. There was a lot of hissing and the cats pretty much hid under the bed after the incident.
Chris moved to his new battalion. And just as I thought it wasn’t the one with the 2 week deployment to Korea so it seems that we are on the clock now. Thankfully he isn’t in the next detatchment that is being deployed because if his name had been added to that list I would have been devastated… because the next detatchment to the Philippines is leaving this weekend! We lucked out on that one, but now it is looking like he will be deployed with the next detatchment that goes out after the one that leaves this weekend, which would put him getting deployed some time in June. And knowing my luck its going to be right before our 1 year anniversary. So now that ticker that I have at the bottom is both for something happy and for something sad. I try to let on that I’m not thinking about it but its almost like every time I look at Chris now I know that our time together is slowly ticking down… and its only about 9 months away until he leaves for 5-9 months. I’m not ready…. I will never be ready, but I don’t have a choice.
There is a small window that he may be able to get out of this deployment but I try not to think of it because if I even so much as think it is possible then I will get some of my hopes up and I know the Army… there is no point for me to do that. So I have to enjoy the next 9 months with him because in my eyes he is getting deployed after that. Sure it isn’t to Iraq, which I am very grateful for, but it is still 9 months that I won’t see him, that I will only have email and phone calls, 9 months of me coming home to an emtpy house and an empty bed. We will miss our first anniversary, All Hallows, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valentines Day…. its going to be hard for me. Yeah I dealt with a deployment before but with Chris…. its different. It would be like my heart being ripped from my chest and taken to the Philippines for 9 months, I would only be a shell of myself until he got back.
Heh…. look at me, a mess already. I know that I have to do better then this. I knew what I was getting into when I married into the Army, I knew that deployments where coming. I’m sure that when it does get here I will pretend to handle it like a rock for Chris’s sake… I guess I am just preparing emotionally for how hard this is going to be.
*sigh* Sure we will get family seperation pay and hazardous pay and his checks will be tax free, but really that doesn’t even come close to making up for the fact that my husband will be away.
But such is the life of an Army wife I suppose, not knowing exactly what is going on ever, never being able to make solid plans in advance because the Army could always rip the wind from your sails. I will just have to take it all in stride and do the best that I can to be ready.
However I go about doing that…..
… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! 
… music is my life
how funny the dog was afraid of the cat
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*random noter* I have the opposite problem. I get along better with my inlaws than I do my own parents!
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RYN: You imply that Caelan and I ever had that in the first place. He was never perfect for me, not even close. The number of ways we’re incompatible is…well…it’d be easier to count the ways we were compatible. Anyhow, I know you just want me to be happy, but it’s becoming more and more clear it won’t be with him. He’s not willing to work for it, not really.
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…and I’m tired of settling for second best. It’s just not fair to me. I’ve done a lot of soul searching on this and I don’t know if he’ll ever be the kind of person I need, and certainly not while he’s in the Army. I just can’t handle the separation. On top of that, he keeps leaving me so far in debt that I have to give up my every last cent to recover from it. I’m just done…
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And sorry I don’t have time to read right now. I’ve got a migraine, the baby sliced his foot open today. It’s been a long day. I may write, but I don’t know if I even have the energy for that right now…
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That’s the way things are with the Army. I can say at least it’s not Iraq or Afghanistan, or that it’s nine months, which is better than twelve, or that it’s wonderful that you have at least nine months together first, but I know it won’t help. It’s still hard. It feels like impending doom, doesn’t it? Like somehow it’s a countdown until your life ends? But you’re strong. You’ll be fine.
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RYN: I knew there would be problems with Caelan and I from very early on. He’s very sexual, I’m not. He doesn’t like kids. I want a big family. He’s not a supporter or provider, or wouldn’t be without the Army, that’s what I need in my life. He’s to strict with the kids in my eyes. He thinks I let them get away with murder. I’m sensitive. He’s calloused. I’m emotional. He’s logical.
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I like elegance, class, and a decent helping of romance. He tends to be direct, simplistic, and doesn’t believe in romance. He wants a housewife that will cook, clean, and keeps the kids out of his hair so all he has to do is kiss and hug them when they’re 100% clean and send them off to bed. He can’t handle dirty children and can’t handle bathing them. It’s very…Mr. Banks from Marry Poppins…
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He believes children should be seen and not heard. I believe children should be listened to. They should be loved, played with, and should get a chance to run around and be loud. It’s just kids being kids. I’m a horrible housewife. I sometimes like to cook, but cleaning? You’ve got to be kidding… I’m too much the artsy mentality that lets her house fall apart while she’s off writing, painting…
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…or whatever is the fancy of the day. I’m easily overwhelmed and get upset easily and he doesn’t have the patience for my fears and reservations. He thinks everything in life is so easy and I just need to deal. He doesn’t understand me, nor does he really make the effort to try.
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In truth, the only things we had in common when he and I got together were some of the movies and television shows we’d watch and role playing. Well, now we don’t watch television because we have no cable. He has something negative to say about every movie I actually enjoy. He doesn’t want to watch most of the ones I do, or he saw them on deployment. And we don’t have a role playing group anymore.
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I’m not sure we could even find one that meets his high standards, especially before a deployment. I’m just realizing with every day going by how incredibly different we are. Can we make it work? Possibly. It’ll take a lot of work, and I just don’t have the energy for it anymore. He’s going to have to do it all, and to be honest, I don’t see him trying all that hard.
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I don’t mean to be sad or depressing. I’m just…after six years now realizing what I realized long ago and kept telling myself things could change…and after six years, they never have. Marriage didn’t change the rules for us because we may as well have been married before that piece of paper. However, I don’t know…maybe if he tried harder? But it’s just gone too far now…
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i hope for your sake he doesn’t have to leave
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