if you just realize what I just realized

For some reason I can’t get that song out of my mind today. I don’t know what has been going on wtih me lately… I seem to have found myself in this funk that I just can’t get rid of. I have no real reason to be upset or down. I am engaged to the most amazing man, I about about 70 days away from moving in with him, I have money from my tax return headed my way, I will see Chris again in 10 days…. I really have no reason to be stuck in this hole that I find myself in, but for some reason I just haven’t been able to shake it. The past couple nights I have found myself crying. I can’t even pinpoint the cause, there is no ryhme or reason to my tears. They just fall.

Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me when I get like this. Chris tells me that its ok to cry, he says that its good to get it out and he is glad that I am strong enough to let it out but that he just wishes that he could be here. I just don’t get that. I don’t see crying as a strength, I despise crying. And even more then crying I despise crying for, as far as I can tell, no reason. I need to suck it up and push it away and just deal with things and keep moving forward. There is so much going on and I just don’t have time to be down and depressed.

April is half over tomorrow. That leaves 31 days of May to get through and 19 days in June. I am so close to that happy ending that I have wanted for so long. Its so close that I can taste it. I know that I can make it there…. I just wish that I didn’t have these weak moments of despair. They are frustrating because it is as if I lost control of myself.

*sigh*

I think that I should get back into my obsessive compulsive list making because that always seems to make me feel better.

To Do Before the Move

1. Find someone to move my crap to North Carolina
2. Get Aurora fixed
3. Get Aurora and Riku caught up at the vet and get a copy of their records to take with me
4. Cancel my cell phone
5. Go through all my old clothes, keep what I want, sell what I can to Plato’s Closet, goodwill the rest
6. Go through everything in my closet and storage what needs it and pack the rest
7. Change my car over into my name
8. Apply to UNC at Pembroke
9. Take the Praxis
10. Tell WCN when my last day will be
11. Pay off all my outrageous medical bills
12. Attempt to pay off the laptop
13. Pack… pack… pack
14. Pay off my Target card
15. Go to Chris’s Army Formal
16. Go ice skating with my family before I leave
17. Clean out my car
18. Be done packing by the time Chris gets here
19. Get a good picture of my family to take with me
20. Enjoy some good sibling time before I leave

I think this list pretty much covers everything though a lot of it is going to have to wait til I get my checks from the IRS. Ugh… I’m sick of money.

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life