vacation… with a dose of reality ***EDIT***

I can’t believe that I have been away for so long. I just got back from Buffalo, I went to visit my Grammommy for a week. I had a great time. It was nice to just get away and it be just me and her. I haven’t really gotten to spend much time with her and now that I am moving even farther away I will spend less time with her. I worry about her because she is getting older and I know that time with her grows shorter every year and she is the last grandmother that I have left because I don’t count my fathers side of the family… I don’t know any of them.

We had a lot of fun. We drove around in the snow (it snowed everyday) and went to the market. We went downtown and saw a play, To Kill A Mockingbird. It was really good. We went to Canada and saw the Falls. I had never seen the Falls in the winter so it was nice to see the snow, the ice, it was cold but beautiful.

I had a pretty good time and besides getting ready to go back to work it was fun… except for one thing.

Chris and I are spending spring break together and I was looking forward to it until Chris called and let me in on some new details of our time that we would be spending together.

******Rant in progress*******

I don’t know if I ever mentioned that Courtney, Joe’s wife, initially had an issue with Chris and I sleeping in the same room the first time that I came down to NC since he and I aren’t married. Well… this time that I go down Courtney’s mother and father are going to be there as well and I have been basically forbidden to not only sleep in the same room with Chris but also to be alone with him up in his room that he pays rent for! Its not like Chris stays there for free…. he pays RENT to live there but we can’t even sit up in his room to watch movies because of this now. Chris keeps telling me that it has nothing to do with me, but that isn’t really the case. I know that he says it is because we aren’t married but we are also mature 23 year old adults. I don’t care that Courtney’s parents are super Catholic…. but that is not my fault… I don’t know why I have to have my vacation ruined because of it.

 (Chris rents a room in Joe and Courtney’s house and it is Courtney’s parents i.e. the mother that has the religious issues)

Don’t get me wrong… I know that I am going to have a great time with Chris but as for the rest of my vacation? I don’t know. I can’t help but be hurt by this… 1- because yet again it is someone having an issue with me and about me and who I am, whether they mean to or not and 2- because I guess in my mind I would like to feel like for once someone would stand up for me and for us. I know that its not Chris’s fault and its not that I blame him for it… but I guess I just have this fear about it… in a way. In the past, the past boyfriends that I have had just didn’t really see the need to stand up for me. Not that I am saying Chris is like that but with this whole thing it kinda feels the same. I mean… when I was with ex-Chris his mother would yell down the stairs at me night after night telling me what a whore I was and what a bitch I was, he watched my father strangle me and did nothing, my ex Francis from high school was the same way with his mother… she would open her trap and talk shit on me all the time and he wouldn’t do anything about it. When I was with Rob his friends would trash talk me and they seemed to just keep doing it… this kind of thing just seems to keep happening and I guess it would be nice if they would just stick up for me… because deep down I just wanted to feel like I was important enough for them to stand up for…. and time and time again that just wasn’t the case.

I know… I’m a big girl, I can stand up for myself but sometimes I think it would be nice if the guy who I was with would stand up for me or for the relationship and this just feels like the same. I guess deep down I want Chris to say what bullshit it is that we can’t even be in his room by ourselves… we aren’t horny monkeys just waiting to be alone so we can jump each other. And yeah… they are very Catholic but that is them and not us so they need to take there Catholic psycho babble elsewhere because that has nothing to do with us. I guess I will just have to wait and see how it goes, but like I have been learning I don’t want to get my hopes up about it. So I will be cautiously optomistic about it… maybe Chris and I will get to spend some snuggle movie time together but I can see it not happening. And if Chris doesn’t take leave then I will hope for good weather so I can go out and take some long walks and listen to music and get away from them.

This will be an interesting vacation I’m sure…. and yeah… it sucks… and pisses me off and hurts but as is the life of a Wiccan who doesn’t follow the same religious paths as others. Maybe if I was Catholic then I would be able to understand this massive amount of bullshit, but as of right now I understand none of it and all it does is make me angry and the "god-people" who are so closed minded as to ruin my vacation with their beliefs. Maybe that sounds harsh but my diary and my right to feel that way.

~~~~~~RANT OVER~~~~~~

Pictures will follow this soon and more talks about the pictures and my vacation….. but I just had to get that out because I have been holding that in all vacation long.

***EDIT***

I thought that this would be an appropriate picture to go along with this edit. It seems that this ban of Chris and I sleeping in the same room doesn’t go only for when Courtney’s parents are around… and now it extends the whole time that I am there. You know… if it wasn’t for the fact that Chris already bought the plane ticket I would strongly consider not even going. I really have lost all desire to be around Joe and Courtney at all. I know that they are friends of Chris’s but I have a feeling that they will never be friends of mine. I really don’t see how I am going to enjoy mys

elf at all… knowing that Joe and Courtney are there… feeling however they feel about me.

I know… their house their rules… blah blah blah…. but its such total and utter bullshit! I am half hoping that Chris decides that he is going to work so I can wander outside and just walk around for hours…. I don’t know… maybe I am just being stupid about this whole thing… about being so upset about it. It just always seems like when I get my hopes up they always get crushed. I can picture it now… there we are… and I am sitting on the couch staring off into space and Chris and Joe babble on about something. I really have no desire to be anywhere near them. I have been trying so hard to not think about people in a negative way, but they are ruining my vacation. I wonder if they know it. I wonder if they care… probably not.

So here I sit crying about it. I wish that I didn’t have to go… I wish that I could just wait til Chris could come up here and if it wasn’t for the fact that I haven’t seen him since January I would say lets just forget because I don’t see myself having a good time. And no, for those of you who are thinking it, it has nothing to do with sex. All I have been thinking about is how great it would be to just lay in his arms again… and now… that isn’t going to happen and I have to continue to wait even longer… lay downstairs in a strangers bed with Chris right upstairs… I know that I won’t be able to sleep. I know that I am going to be withdrawn and quiet. I just want March to be over and done with at this point. I don’t even care anymore…. I just don’t care.

… don’t be afraid, sometimes they come true! … music is my life