thoughts of a darkening mind

I don’t mean to freak anyone out by this entry…. this is probably going to sound very depressing and emotional and sad… I warn everyone in advance… read this with caution.

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I went for a long walk tonight. I walked about 2 miles…. maybe more. It reminded me of high school. It reminded me of way back when…. back when I was so depressed, back when SI ruled my whole life, back when I was more or less suicidal. Scary. I loaded some new songs onto my iPod and off I went. I walked the tracks by my house. It brought back a flood of memories. I remember the last time I walked those tracks… hoping for a train to hit me. And it terrified me that while I was walking those tracks I half contemplated that. I didn’t know that I had slipped down that far over these past 4 months. I hadn’t even stopped to realize just how much I was really hurting inside. And as soon as I noticed I had just thought about how good or bad it would be to have a train hit me an ambulance drove by, lights flashing and sirens wailing. Sign? I would say so.

I kept walking… letting the music wash over me. I thought about cutting for a while. I remember how much better I always felt after I did. How much relief I felt…. like I could breathe again. I thought about going home and cutting. I haven’t cut once since March 1st and I thought about how disappointed people would be with me if I did. And then, more importantly, I realized that I would be disappointed with myself if I cut. I have come so far…. and yes I may be falling now, but I haven’t let myself fall that far… have I? My head has been hurting, pounding all weekend long. There is still this pressure in my chest that I can’t seem to get rid of. I walked until my legs were sore. I walked until I had walked off the urge to go home and break this almost 8 months of not cutting.

As I got back to the tracks to walk back home "Broken" came on my iPod. Just hearing the song filled me with a calm that I hadn’t felt all weekend. That song means so much to me now… it has a relaxing power over me and I can just step out of myself and breathe for a moment. A moment to forget about escaping this life that I can’t bare right now, a moment to look at myself and know that somewhere in me is the strength to go on. Sometimes I don’t know where I get that strength from. Sometimes I fear that if it weren’t for that mysterious strength I wouldn’t be here. I can think back to so many times while I was in high school that I thought I would be better off leaving this world and trying it all over again in another life. But yet and still…. here I am…. still wading through all of this and making my way through somehow. And as long as I cling to that somehow…. I will be ok……