sifting through the debris

I am taking some time for myself this weekend. I have a list of things to get done…. and a lot of internal mulling to do. I am trying to get some stuff done for me… and I know that one weekend isn’t enough time to figure out even a millionth of what I need to figure out… but this is a start I guess.

I wish that I had a beach…. somewhere to run, sit on a rock and stare off into the waves. Lose myself in the rolling water, let my feelings wash over me and just look inside myself. I have thought about driving to the shore…. sitting on the beach and just watching the water… there is just something about the beach, about the water. I can always think so much clearer when I am sitting there, just me and the nature.

There is so much going on inside my mind. I know that I keep saying that. I know that some people are angry with me for what I have done. But I have to do the right thing, I have to do for myself, I have to stand up and realize that I have feelings and thoughts and emotions and I am going to go with them this time. I just have to figure out what they are, I can’t keep tormenting myself like I have been. It is getting to me, mentally, emotionally, physically… it is all taking its toll on me. I am always trying to hold everything in and just run with what other people want me to do. I can’t do that for the rest of my life, I will burn-out before I hit 30. I want to be happy. I long to be happy. Is that wrong?

I don’t know anymore. I just simply don’t know.

I sat awake in my bed this morning…. looking back on my life, looking back on my relationships, looking back on myself. I find myself feeling the same as I did in high school. I still remember walking through the halls, hating everyone, wishing that I could have what they have, yearning for that simple life that everyone else seemed to have. How is it that 5 years later I am still in the same place? How is it that 5 years later I am still in school, still living with my parents, still not married, still no closer to that fairytale dream that I have been longing for since I was small? I am still just as lost. Still just as broken and damaged…. maybe I am immature. Maybe I was never meant to be happy with someone else, but how can that be true? I have wanted my own family since I was small. I dream of having children… I want children now…. but I know that I am not ready. I know that I am nowhere near ready to have a child of my own. I look back on everything…. on everything that my father has told me, everything that my ex Chris has told me, I look back on all of that and I wonder if they are right.

I want to run… screaming at the top of my lungs. I feel like I am breaking down. I can put on this happy facade, smile and laugh and pretend, but I don’t want to pretend forever. I want people to look at me and see me, really see me and see everything that is wrong with me, see everything that is broken and damaged and realize that I am needy and clingy and still be there for me. I want someone that I can talk to… someone that I feel comfortable with. But in reality I would have to feel comfortable with myself first wouldn’t I? And sometimes… most of the time…. I don’t think that I will ever be comfortable with myself. I don’t think that I will ever be ok with the things that have happened, the things that I have done, but more so then that…. I don’t think that I will ever be able to look at myself and see something good. So how can I be in a relationship until I figure that out? How can I be in a relationship with anyone until I can look at myself in the mirror and smile?

Looking at myself only makes me see everything that is wrong. But sometimes I think its important to look back, to really look at yourself and see how you see yourself… a reality check in a way. I hope that one day I can look at myself and be happy with what I see… inside and out. One day….