the night is so long when everything’s wrong

I know that I write this a lot. I know that many of my entries end up this way… me sad, depressed, lonely… sometimes I just can’t help but feel this way. Of course my present surroundings right now are not helping me at all.

….. sitting in the dark in my room, one candle lit, my fountain changing colors, and sandalwood inscense burning..

and lets not forget the saddest songs that I have playing on repeat

It is cold in my room tonight and sleep has not been coming easy for me at all. Dark and sinister dreams have been finding me in my sleep no matter how hard I try to hide from them. Autumn is coming and though every day brings me closer to Rob they also make me more lonely and more scared. I long for someone to share my bed with… I long to lay in Rob’s arms at night, bury my face into him when I wake up in tears, but every nightmare I wake up from still finds me alone in my bed. Winter is coming… I can already smell the Autumn in the air which means Winter is not far behind, and Winter just depresses me further. I wish that my emotions were not so tied with nature sometimes… though that has and always will be. I feel just like that girl in my icon… sitting alone, crying…. lonely.

So many people have been talking to me recently… about Rob and I… and I know that I am over thinking it but I am scared. So many girls on SG have been having problems with their guys… cheating, falling for other women, changing… and I have to admit that I am worried about it. I was talking to an old friend yesterday, Chris K. (yes I know that I know way too many Chris’s, I’m sorry for the confusion) Anyway… small small world we live in since Chris K. trains soldiers to go to Iraq. We were talking about how soldiers change when they come home from war, how some can lead normal lives and some can’t. I will admit that it makes me worried…. he kept telling me about guys with PTSD (Post Truamatic Stress Disorder) and how it can ruin relationships.

And all these things happening to so many people all around me just sends my mind in overdrive… worrying about all those what-ifs that I always tell other people not to think about and yet I can’t seem to stop. I worry about Rob coming home… actually I am scared about it. Terrified that he is going to come home and spend more then 3 days with me and decide that I am not the girl for him after all. Terrified that he is going to see me in the light that Chris sees me in or Amanda or the countless other people who have decided that I am not good enough or that there is something wrong with me. I was thinking, while I was trying to focus on my homework, about March… about Washington…. about the last time that I saw him. I remember him walking up behind me and sliding his arms around me in the airport and holding me so tight, I remember him staring at me as we lay in bed together, I remember the way he kissed me, the way he held on to me so tight as we fell alseep. I remember the way he looked at me as we packed up and left the motel, the way he laid his head on my shoulder as we went back to the airport, the way he hugged me as I got ready to board the plane, the way he kissed me again, and then his back as he left the airport and I boarded the plane…. how I silently cried in the dark on the plane wondering when I would have bliss like that again. And as I sat there remembering all of that all I could think about was how empty and broken I would be if I never had that with him again…. if he didn’t want to have that with me anymore.

I tell this irrational fear I have to people all the time who continually tell me that I am crazy and that Rob and I will work out and everything will be fine, but this fear just nags and nags at me and on nights like this one I just can’t help but listen. I wonder what Rob would think if he read this which I am sure he will at one point or another. I wonder if he will think that I am just some insane baby who is way too emotional. I wonder if he will think me hopeless and weak… or I wonder if he feels the same way?

I wonder what my future will bring…. and I know that there is no way to know until it happens, but that doesn’t stop me from thinking about it every other second. I worry that things just won’t work, though my biggest fear is undoubtedly…. Rob seeing the real me and not wanting to be with me anymore. Maybe I am too irrational?

If I could have one wish right now… it would be to lie in bed in Rob’s arms.

And yet here I sit… dark, candles, cold, lonely…. its 1am and again I am still awake and in desperate need of sleep that doesn’t come without awful nightmares waking me up every hour. I don’t know what is going on with me right now… I think the lack of sleep is getting to me…. and these sad songs I am letting myself listen to.

All I want is to be happy and Rob makes me happy…. and usually I am good after hearing from him… usually I can go off that for days at a time, but I missed him this morning…. I could have talked to him but I was sleeping and I just want to talk to him…. I wish that I knew what he really felt about all this, how he feels about me… us… the future…

I don’t know if it would make me feel any better until I actually get to see what we are like when we are together for more then just 3 days… its just the unknown that worries me. The not knowing and that I don’t even have the ability to know. I look at his picture, I wear his hoodie, I lay under his blanket and I know that he is my life and he is my world and I guess part of me is just afraid that he doesn’t feel the same way about me. I wish that I was stronger, that I could just be on my own and not have to worry like this and not have to feel this way. Other Army girlfriends can do it… so why can’t I?

I know that its hard to be here… living the life that I am… having someone who is such a huge part of me be so far away doing something that is so dangerous and people are always saying… its ok to feel the way that you do, its ok to worry and to be scared and depressed and upset sometimes and I know that is true, I know that I have every right to feel this way, but that doesn’t change the fact that I don’t want to…. doesn’t

change that fact that I wish that I didn’t.

I just want to know where I stand…. I want to know that I am a huge part of his life too and I do to a point, but with him so far away, with the lack of a physical relationship, a touch, a kiss, to hold his hand, lie in his arms…. without that…. I sometimes feel…. I’m not sure how to word it… I feel…. broken, like there is something missing and there is.

I want my something back…