will I ever get one?

At 6:30am I got a text while I was driving to work. It said "good morning babe" and I can’t think of a better way to start the day. It still gets to me just how much I miss those text message good mornings. I used to get them everyday at 9:30, well before he deployed I did anyway. I feel so much better that Rob and I are pretty much back to normal now since the "event." I guess I could call it that. He is back to his romantic cute self again. I am so glad that he didn’t believe ******** and the lies she spoke. That would devastate me. This whole mess was a wakeup call for me though. Well that and the fact that I just bought the third book Eclipse that I have been waiting for almost a month for. I can’t wait to read it and finish what is left of the Bella Edward dark fairytale. And reading this book makes me think about my own desire for a fairytale.

Maybe I am just being selfish and insane right now, but is it so wrong for me to want my own fairytale? I mean… after all that I have been through…. where is my fairytale ending? Sometimes I feel so close to it, but there are other times that I think it just keeps slipping through my grasp. I want that nothing like it kinda love, is that so wrong? I am only 50 pages into the book so far and already the love that Bella and Edward share just pours off the page and washes over me. It makes me wonder about where my life will go in the future. I must sound like a love sick puppy dog right now, but my whole life I have been dreaming of ‘that’ love. That guy who holds my hand all the time, even when we are driving. That guy who constantly reminds me how important I am and how much he loves me. That guy who keeps trying to surprise me with cute things just to see me smile. That guy who will lay in bed with me all day and just be content with the two of us holding each other, who would lay under the stars with me at night and run his hand through my hair. Who is constantly trying to touch me in some way because he can’t stand being away from my touch. Who would cry because he loves me so much.

Yeah… I sound crazy.

I don’t know what really got me thinking about this. I was looking at my past relationships… thinking about how they ended. I want to do this right this time. I want this to work. I want to know that this is the end of my searching. I have thought so many times before that I was done… ok…. not so many times, really only one other time, but still, I want this relationship to work out and I get so scared sometimes that it won’t. I am scared that I will find some way to screw it up. I don’t want to rush into anything, I want time to be taken so that I know Rob and I are both making the right decision. It feels so right to me, but when I look back at my past it fills my head with doubts. I have hurt many boys and men alike…. and without meaning to do so. I don’t want to do that to Rob, and it scares me.

I want to be able to settle down, to have that someone in my life that I can turn to for anything, who I don’t have to be afraid to talk to. I want someone who can look past all my flaws and see the real me, the flawed me and still love me anyway. All those fairytale endings, those happily ever afters… I want one. I don’t deserve one, but I want one. Sometimes I just feel so insecure about myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am not unhappy…. I am very happy and I am in a good mood, but when I think about it… I can’t help but wonder if after all this searching… after all the tears and the pain and the things that I did to myself and things that I wanted to do…. I wonder if after all of that I will get my fairytale ending.

Or maybe, afterall, it is just a fairytale, it isn’t real…. and it just happens in stories.

Summer book list

1. Chicken Soup for the Military Wife’s Soul… 307 pages

2. Twilight (book 1) by Stephenie Meyer… 498 pages

3. New Moon (book 2) by Stephenie Meyer… 567 pages

4. Eclipse (book 3) by Stephenie Meyer… 50 pages in

5. Echohawk by Lynda Durrant… 12 pages in

6. True Magick: A beginner’s guide by Amber K… 4 pages in