I may end up falling too

Honestly I don’t know what is wrong with me. I know that there is something wrong but I just don’t know what it is or how to even explain it. I am so numb to this whole deployment. It seems like every since I read that Rob was thinking about staying in that this whole numb sensation really took over. Maybe its because I haven’t heard from him in 2 weeks or so. I have been talking to people about it and they all say that it will be ok, but I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what I feel. I have become so used to Rob being in Iraq, to not being able to talk to him… its like an everyday thing for me now. My boyfriend is gone and we don’t talk and I am home.

I don’t know how to fix it or how to make it go away. Its not that I don’t love him or that I’m not in love with him, that isn’t true at all. I think about him all the time. I look at his picture in my wallet all the time, and every night before I go to bed I look at his picture on my bedside table or the picture of him and I kissing that is taped to my dresser and think about Washington. I even talk to his picture sometimes, but now it seems that all the days blur together. The last time I remember counting days was when we were at 100 and now I don’t even know how many… oh wait 116, I just checked. Wow… 16 days and they felt like nothing… just one big day that never ends. I sleep a little bit more now, but I have no emotion to the fact that he is deployed right now. Yeah… that must make me a horrible person and if not that then a horrible Army girlfriend. This is even more horrible to say, but I feel single. I feel lonely. And even worse I am getting used to feeling that way. Yeah… I am a horrible person and if not that then atleast a horrible Army girlfriend. There is only one way that I can really describe it…

This is the only way that I can describe it. Take a good look at this picture… how does it make you feel? Picture a little girl sitting on the swing. Now picture that little girl with the saddest expression sitting on the swing by herself in the dark. That is how I feel inside.

I don’t know how to stop feeling that way. I don’t cry… I don’t get angry… I feel like I am just floating through the days and there is nothing that really affects me in a good or bad way. I feel… nothing. I have even thought about slipping back into my old "habits" just to make sure that I still feel inside, but I am trying not to do that. I am almost 5 months cut free and I don’t want to go back on that, but I can’t lie and say the thought hasn’t crossed my mind. I am hoping that this is just a phase that I have to get through… I had my depressed phase where I was crying all the time… at the mention of the Army or Iraq on the news or pictures of soldiers or the American flag and now I am just numb. Maybe the days will contine to just pass on by and it will be March all of a sudden, but I have a feeling there is a lot more hardships for me to wade through yet.