and these are my fragments

First off let me say that I have been crazy with emotions and thoughts the past couple days… heh… when am I not? But I do want to caution people before they read this, and when I say people I mean Rob…. because I am just thinking out loud at the moment… its dark and late and I am so tired, but I can’t sleep so I am writing. So please… pay no attention to my ramblings! Maybe you shouldn’t read this… heh…

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Today has been an emotional rollar coaster ride for me. Things have been hard for me recently but I don’t really know why. I think that I have been handling things well, for what is going on. I am finally getting into school more and really working at doing well as I finish out this semester. So what is wrong with me?

Rob called me today! I was half asleep on the couch, thinking, staring at the tv more then watching it when my phone rings. I noticed the area code right away and I answered and Rob is on the other end. And then I hear his voice and I want to burst into tears, but I start laughing instead… shocked and so happy to hear his voice. We talk for 11 min… but I am not complaining… because it was the most amazing 11 min that I have had… just to hear his voice. I was so happy.

I go to work bouncing… blaring music in my car singing along and smiling. I get to work and start talking to Krystal who is pissed about her asshole ex. He sent her a card in the mail… cursing her and her mum off… he called her a skank, a bitch, a slut… her mum he called a bitch spawn? And 7 months after the 2 of them ended it all he is now married?! So we started talking about that, which led to us talking about relationships, which led to me talking about Rob, as usual. I told her about the aim conversation that we had the other day… we were talking a lot about the future and saving money… I think there was talk of a ring in the future… it just makes this so much harder because we have to put our relationship on hold for so long… when I just want to be greedy and have him home and here with me now.

As I was talking to Krystal and listening to myself talk I realized just how lonely I felt. Rob and I have been going out for… I am not sure, since we never actually set a date in all the craziness of us ending up together. Its so hard to go through this… I know that Rob is worth it, more then worth it! He has changed so much about me and who I am. He has made me strong… and I get stronger everyday. But… I realize that I don’t really know what its like to be with Rob since we have yet to be in a normal relationship. We have been doing the long distance thing this whole time so I don’t really know what its like. I miss going out on dates… like I want to do with Rob but can’t do. We are always talking about the future, but it seems like the future is so far away. And when I sit down and think about it I miss him so much and I am so scared.

I know I know… I should stop dwelling and stop getting so bent out of shape about this… time is moving by slowly… it will be 2 weeks tomorrow, but that doesn’t make me feel better. I feel disconnected from everything and I keep trying to find my place, but I just can’t seem to find it here… alone. Talking on the phone to Rob was comforting… but then I forgot later on what was going on. I got on the computer thinking that he was going to log on soon and talk like we usually do until I remembered where he was and what was going on. Heh… tears….

Maybe I am just obsessing? I am still talking about Rob all the time and I am sure that everyone is getting sick of it, but sometimes I just can’t help it. The kids at my job are always asking about him, what is he doing, is he ok? They know that he is my bf and are concerned. This little girl Hunter told me today that she couldn’t wait to see him and I almost started crying right there in front of her. Geez! I need more control, but maybe today is just a bad day for me…. short of the phone call that brightened my whole day! I got to hear him say "I love you babe" and that made me so happy… I will dream of that tonight.

Ugh… I am sorry that I am going all insane right now… let me apologize for everything that I have just said if it makes you upset. I hope that you do get the chance to call me later… I could really go for another dose of your voice.