so I ran like the wind to the water
Today has been the first day that I have not spoken with Rob in some form since he left.
Today has been a bad day for me. Last night I finally slept… I think I got about 5 hours in. But I woke up calling out Rob’s name this morning.
I went to class today and tried really hard to pay attention… but I couldn’t… not after this morning.
I went to Chris’s place and started packing my things. I have been living at my parents house out of a suitcase the past couple days and I know that its time for me to get my things and move all the way in. It was hard… leaving the house. I helped decorate that place, came to think of it as my own, as our house… but that was ripped away. It was depressing moving back with my parents… working on my room today, putting down the carpet and cleaning and trying to find space for everything. It made me feel like a failure. I am 22 years old and I have been engaged 3 times. I have never been able to get a relationship to last more then 3 years… maybe there is something wrong with me. I put my all into my relationships, atleast I thought that I did. I tried so hard with Chris to make the love last, but the love just wasn’t and isn’t there.
It scares me… because I want so much for this relationship with Rob to be different. I want to have someone amazing like him… someone to hold my hand and lay with me at night. Someone who can make me smile just by looking at me, someone who I can talk to, with or without words. Rob makes me feel something that I have never felt before… I realized just how much I missed him today… sitting in the car with Chris. I thought of how much I wished it was Rob that I was driving with. I stared out the window and let the tears roll down my face. I feel so lonely right now and it has only been three days, thats it. Maybe I am too weak to deal with this well. But I have to be strong for not only myself but for Rob too.
I want Rob and me to make it. I want to be engaged one last time… I want only one more person to slip an engagement ring on my finger, one last person to hold me tightly in their arms and tell me that everything will be ok and they will never leave me. I want to move in with someone and not have to worry about being kicked out. I am so vulnerable and insecure right now. I don’t know why I feel this way or how I got to this place. I guess I have felt myself slipping here this whole time and just didn’t want to pay attention to it. From the moment that I left Washington I have been slipping….
Rob always tells me to embrace my fears… but that is hard to do right now…
I really like reading your entrys about how you feel about Rob but I just don’t know what to say. I hope he is the one.
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Babe I told you this would be hard, and that I wouldn’t always be able to talk to you. The best way for me to do that is on here and see what your thinking. Your not the only one who woke up screaming someones name, I woke up screaming yours. Remember what I told you before, it’s not about how hard you can hit, but how hard you can get hit. Life will beat you to your knees if you let it, you haveto keep going and complete your goals and everything else you want out of life. If you want something you have to go after it, cuz you never know how long it will be till it’s gone. I love you so much babe and I’ll talk to you when I get the chance.
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oh hun your not a failure you are the most understanding kind thouhgtful smart funny person i have ever met and if your a failure then i’m straight and last time i looked i was bi so…. chin up things will be fine he’ll be fine you’ll be fine and i now you can do this if anyone could ever make it’s you to love ya loads i’m here if you need me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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everything will be okay. you just have to think positively. find the good around you and embrace it. i hope you feel better♥
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it’s always hard to lose someone that you love even if their the ones walking away and not you, i have gone through this kind of thing a lot, you fall in love and then he or she says i’m sorry but this isn’t working for me and i’ve found someone else. i’m sorry that you have to go through this and if you need a friend i’m here. -catey
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RYN: I dont mind long notes 🙂 Yes we do have alot in common. I dont know how I ever managed my life without my soldier. Brandon and I have about 2 years more before we can expand on our lives together. But I will be patient for him and my love for him will be here when he returns to me 🙂 Thanks again for your note! Keep in touch!
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3 years with one person is not so bad. You’re still very young and getting to know people and going through relationships is part of the learning experience. I know that doesn’t make things better but there’s the silver lining. Hope things work out between you and Rob. How long is he supposed to be in Iraq?
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