I am over the water

With all these sleepless nights of insomnia I have filled my mind with thoughts about myself… with listening to people, who think that they know me, tell me how flawed I am and how much more improvement I have to do, with all these emotions that are swimming through my head I have realized that only I am in control of me. So with the realization of that thought comes this song… this whole year or two or three or five or how ever many it takes are about me and working on me. I have been improving myself all this time and I know that time is flying by. It seems as if only yesterday it was New Years Eve and I was making my resolution to myself to be better and now April is right around the cornor. That is where this song comes in… take a listen if you don’t know it. The name of the song is "Me" by Paula Cole. This is the theme song of my life this year.

I have so much support coming at me from so many different places. I got a letter in the mail today that made me cry. It was from Rob and honestly he and Amanda are the two best friends that I have in the world right now. Listening to Chris last night talking about Rob made me realize how little he actually knows. Listening to him tell me how Rob is just feeding me lines and trying to use me. How Rob is not really my friend and how gullible I am. What could Rob possibly gain from me? Honestly now… I have no money and I am in school. I have nothing to offer him so why would he just be using me and for what? It just made me realize that Chris is just jealous and doesn’t like the fact that Rob is so much closer to me then he is. Its the same way with Chris’s friends… what do you possibly gain from hanging out at the strip club talking to strippers? I used to dance so I do have some idea of the girls that are there… but then again, it is not my place nor in my right to judge who he has as friends. They know him better then I, I won’t deny that. And I don’t mind that, sure I worry about him hanging out with them and being friends with them, but his friends are just that… his friends, his choice.

Chris told me last night that I was going to get hurt. Sure, maybe that will be true, but that is always true. Anytime you let yourself be with someone else there is always that possiblity that they will hurt you, but for love… that is a chance that you have to take. Rob and I have a connection… I felt it, but I am not ready to act on it and search out just how far that connection will take the two of us, and Rob respects me enough to know that I need space. If other people can’t respect that then I am sorry. There is nothing that I can do about that but apologize and keep on my path.

There are places of darkness on my soul and before I get involved with anyone that darkness needs to be looked at. I look at myself and I can see my flaws… I am aware of the things that need work and I am working on them. I am 22 and I want to have a good future, I want a good job being a teacher, I want true love, I want marriage, I want children, I want to be happy in everything that I do. This world of full of so many things, people, opportunities and I want to experience as many as I possibly can, but I will do that my way in my time.

Sure you need support, but I have my support. I can see over the horizon and I can see that much more happiness lies ahead for me. I will never be perfect, hell I will never be close to perfect, I can only be myself. If I am proud of where I am, who I am, who I am with, and who I continue to become then I have accomplished my goal. I have a whole life ahead of me… I will continue to make strides in improving myself.

I haven’t smoked in a while… I am close to 2 months cut free… I am concentrating on school… I will be back at my parents soon… I am trying my best to keep up on my bills… I am taking my time with my heart this time… I haven’t been drunk in a while… I am looking for a summer job… I am taking summer classes… I am working hard at being positive… I am staying as close as I can to eatting healthy and dropping some weight… I am learning to control the things I am afraid of…

I am doing good… I am me and I have the power to be anything I want.