you’ve taken everything *RANT*

Well I went to talk to Andrew last night… he said that he wanted to talk to me. I wonder how it is that everytime he talks to me I manage to feel more like shit then I already did. He blames everything on me… like I want to feel the way that I feel. Like I like this numbing pain that I wade through everyday? WTF?! Every time I go and talk to him… well actually listen to him talk to me I feel like shit.

He is so busy trying to rush a fix to whatever we have become… he is looking to define something that doesn’t have definition. I tried so hard to keep my cool… but when he tells me things like I turned down 4 girls over the past whatever…I just hung up on Kim 8 times since yesterday… I just shut my mouth to keep from screaming "What the fuck… you want to be with these girls then go fucking be with them… they are so much better and make you so much happier then go fucking be with them. You want to be with Kim? The girl that cheated on you? The one that supposedly hurt you so much… the one that I am ‘turning into’ then go… go ahead! Go the FUCK ahead!" But I didn’t scream anything like that. I kept my mouth shut and listened to him ranting… all the while feeling my self-loathing building. Why do I let him do that to me? He tells me how he has been reading my OD and how he feels like he is nothing….

I have been doing my own soul searching… writing things down that I feel. This is where I am in my life… like it or not. I can’t control this place where I am and I am trying to just get through it. I have found out things about myself and I have no choice but to deal with them. He has been working and bettering himself and I am proud of him for that but don’t come to me and demand to know what is going on and then get angry that I don’t have answers. Don’t tell me about these other girls… I’m pretty sure thats how we got into this mess in the first place. Then he asks me for my livejournal which I don’t want to give him cause 1) I don’t really write in it and 2) when I did write in it… it was all about how pissed off I was about what he did with Kim and everything and he will just get more hurt by reading it. But he just keeps pushing and I am about to fucking give it to him so he can read it and then have more shit to yell/cry/talk/rant to me about. lkjfgk;ajgh;lakgna;skfgjhighawjkebfvlkuhsaetlkj

Maybe I am just insane and fucked up? Maybe I am not in the right mindset for anyone? Maybe I am a horrible person who doesn’t deserve anything good? Maybe I am all these things… heh…

I am…. insert adjective here….

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But anyway…

Its decent temp out today and I think that I am going to wash my car… it needs the tlc… and I will vacuum it out and make it look all nice. Then I am off to do some much needed homework. I have so much school shit going on and I am so behind, but every time I say that I have homework I catch shit for that too. Why oh why can’t people just back the fuck off of me!?!?!?!?! I am trying to get my shit straight and just because I can’t do it as quickly as some.. I’m fucking sorry… I don’t know what else to tell you. I want time for myself, to be with my friends, to hang out with people who don’t make me feel like complete and utter worthless shit all the time…. is that too much to ask? IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK?! WHAT THE FUCK!!!