seven on a scale from dead to breathing

Slept over Amanda’s on Friday night after having a long talk with Andrew. I didn’t want to leave him considering the night before I woke up at 2am to him holding a gun over his head telling me that he was going to end it all. So I didn’t just want to leave like that for fear that he would do something stupid…. *SIGH* I thought about calling the crisis center about that, but I don’t think anything good would have come from that so whatever.

So early rising on Saturday morning… 5am heh! Amanda and I, her dad and her little brother Josh all took a small road trip to Maryland so we could pick up her car. Its cute… and WHITE just like MINE!!!! How awesome and ironic is that?! It was a fun time even though I hardly got any sleep. LOL! Then I went back to Andrew’s to get ready for the rest of the weekend. Amanda met this guy Brian over the internet and he was in a play on Saturday night. So we went to see and sleep over at his dorm. The musical was called Urinetown, and I know the name is weird, but the musical was AMAZING!!! It was so funny, we couldn’t stop laughing the whole time. I love the song about killing the little bunnies and the song called "Snuff That Girl" omg it was so funny.

So then we took Brian and Jon back to their dorm room. We sat around and talked about life and shit, drank, watched the Wedding Singer, and then Amanda and Brian were off to kiss which left me alone for more tv time, but she was drunk and happy which was the main thing that I wanted for her and to be safe which was why I was there… go me!

I don’t know what time I got to bed, but we woke up around 10am and then Amanda’s mum calls screaming at her and we had to leave, got lost on the way home, but made up for it in time later. So all in all I had an awesome time.

I still haven’t decided what to do about Andrew. I thought that there was a small possibility of working it out, but the more I think about it and the more he does the stuff that he does I just don’t know. Last night I was watching 24 with Chris, Sam, and Aaron. He, on the other hand, was going to help Rachel move, and she is one of the girls that I have talked about before, but I let it go and didn’t get angry about him going to help her. Chris and I watch 24 and then he takes me upstairs to our old bedroom to see these really awesome fountains that he bought. Sam and Aaron were still downstairs so Chris and I stayed up there and watched the dvd to one of my instrumental cds. We were sitting there in the dark talking about life and how he feels and what is going on in his life and everything like that. We must have been talking for a while because all of a sudden there is a knock on the door and its Sam. Chris says "what" but Sam says nothing… we wait… Chris says "what" again and nothing…. then footsteps walking away. Then a couple min later Sam is back at the door and he yells "Chris" through the door so I get up and open it to see whats going on. Then Sam says, "Andrew is here."

As soon as I saw something Andrew starts in with the questions…. "Why are you upstairs?" "Why did no one answer the phone?" "Why didn’t anyone answer the house phone?" "What is going on?"

I am so sick of me being the one questioned all the time. He has no right to fight trust issues with me right now, but I answered all of his questions anyway… but I could feel my anger rising. But whatever… we all talk for a little bit more and then we all leave. Andrew speeds off and doesn’t wait for me, but I figured he was pissed to I decided to let it go. We get on 295 and then he is all of a sudden behind me and flies by me… WTF?! But I let that go too and just speed all the way home going like 85mph, listening to Blu Cantrel "Breath."

Then as soon as we both get back Andrew starts in on me about being upstairs with Chris. I kept telling him what happened and he didn’t believe me. He kept telling me that everyone was telling him all this stuff and all these lies. I was like, "If other people are lying to you thats them, I can’t control them." But he kept getting more and more upset… slamming shit around and cursing and throwing shit around. So I did my homework and got ready for bed. It was about 1:45 by the time that I got in bed and I fell asleep right away. I had to get up at 6am to get ready for classes, but around 2 something in the fucking moring Andrew wakes me up to continue talking to me about the same stuff… telling me that I am lying and that he doesn’t buy what I am saying. Then saying that I don’t care… I told him it was after 2 in the morning and it was late and I was tired and had to get up soon, but he kept pushing the issue. I don’t even know where we left it…. I was fucking asleep.

So I left for classes this morning and haven’t heard shit from him. I don’t know why he keeps pushing me. It is so FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!!!! I have school and work and life and friends and I keep trying to make things with us ok, but he keeps taking control of everything that I do or trying to. I am sick of fighting…. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.

 <—— that is all that we ever do anymore… and I am so fucking sick of it. I am so behind in school and I have so much to do and I never have time to do anything anymore. I just want to live my life, but why do all these people keep trying to hold me back. I can think of 5 people who actually listen when I talk… it used to be 6, but Andrew is no longer one of those people. It’s kinda depressing actually. *SIGH* Oh… and everyone can be disappointed in me, but I have to start my counting again… I gave in to the stress and cut twice. *SIGH* *hides face in shame* And unfortunetly it felt so good that now its all that I think about……

But I am on my way to being late for work so I will stop this here… its already long… thanks for reading.