being strong, holding on

So I have been to all my classes… Educational Pyschology, Trends: Schools and Society, English Comp II, and Chemistry in Society. Chem is academic death for me… I know it. But I am still going to fight for straight A’s this semester!!

My life is still insane… but I think that I am getting out of debt by the end of the month… maybe I can even allow myself a cell phone again. I guess I will have to see what happens when I pay off T-mobile if I will still have the same plan or even be able to use them. *sigh* Otherwise I am stuck with Cingular….. grrrrr! I have been working really hard with school so far and I know it has only been 3 days of classes but that is not the point. I have not lost my will to work so far which is good.

Andrew is still sick, but I guess getting better… I don’t really know. We don’t really talk at all. I try to ask him to talk to me… get him to open up about what is going on with him, but so far it hasn’t been working. So I don’t really know what to think about it. He is still wearing the hospital bracelet? I don’t really know what that is all about, but I figure I would let it go. I have begun to realize just how much I relied on other people to help me now that I am the one helping others. Chris did so much for me when we were together and I don’t think that I ever really thanked him the way that I should have. I notice it so much more now that I am more on my own and busy using my time to take care of others. Chris was doing so much more for us then I really realized at the time. Damn that hindsight.

But I have been becoming more and more self-relient and it feels good to know for a fact that I am not going to let myself down. I am the only one that I can really trust to be there for me. Until I think about Amanda…. she isn’t going to hurt me… just like I won’t hurt her. I think besides my family Amanda is the only one who really know who I am. But that doesn’t really bother me. I have people that I talk to and the people that I hang with and I feel safe knowing that I and Amanda will keep my secrets safe.

My sister, Ally, and I have been getting closer more and more everyday. Her bf of almost 2 years (jealous) is about to leave for working training in Georgia for 2 weeks so we are going to have some serious sister time coming up. Even though she has changed a lot over the past 2 years she and I are getting our connection back which is nice. We both have lots to do with school so we are working together. Its nice to have to family back in my life again.

As for everything else…. I am just letting things happen as they happen. I am not trying to get anywhere in particular… just want to be happy and work hard. I want to get somewhere in life. I think that I am going to take classes over the summer and get a job or two. I can’t let my life just pass me by… I have to work for what I want and I intend on doing so. I don’t have time to fuck around anymore. I want things… I want to work on my car. Chris and I talked about that the other day.

I am so excited for this weekend. I have fun stuff planned on top of all the school work that I have to do. *sigh* I feel like that is all that I do anymore, work school work school work school… maybe throw some sleep in there somewhere. I don’t really have time to do anything else. But will not falter this year. I will be strong and keep on going forward despite whatever hardships continue to come my way. And I am sure there will be many.