soul searching

Looking back on my life I realize how much of a mess it is. Everything that I have ever believed in has turned out to be a lie. And I can’t live the rest of my life that way… in a lie.

I have so many things that I have to improve on. So many problems that I have to find a solution to. My heart is so broken and my mind is cloudy. It makes it hard to concentrate and think. It makes it hard to wake up in the morning… hard to fall asleep at night and stay that way. I don’t know what to think anymore.

Which has led me to believe that I must start soul searching…

What do I want out of life?

What do I want to make amends for?

Where do I want to go?

What do I believe in?

How do I feel about myself?

How do I feel about the world?

How do I feel about the people around me?

All these questions that I have floating in my mind…. and it surprised me to realize that I don’t know the anwers to many of the questions. I have fallen behind in my life. Losing something so important…. and somehow I wandered off the road that my life was on. So now I have to reestablish my life and my beliefs. With Chris kicking me out… I guess this is my chance to be on my own. I don’t want to be… I want to stay here…. in this house that I helped clean and decorate… in this house that was once my home… in this place where my heart felt safe. But with Chris breaking up with me… part of me doesn’t feel safe anymore. And I still have yet to figure out why I still want to be with him so badly. I know that he is the one for me… I know that if we got back together and maybe went to couseling that we could work through everything and improve on the greatness of the relationship that we once had. But Chris isn’t ready for that step… so no matter how much I want to be with him and no matter how much I love him I have to put my feelings for him on hold, until he is ready to be with me again.

But this is my chance to understand myself. To cry, feel, think, cope, learn, grow, improve. I still think it would be easier if I was with Chris… because he knows me so well… but I will have to talk through my feelings on my own now. I really want to try and stop cutting agian… I told Shawn about the cutting and he cried. He saw my wrist and almost cried in front of me. I felt so horrible. I have never seen anyone so upset about my cutting before. I don’t think that Chris has seen my wrist, but I don’t think that he would react if he had. He would react when I wasn’t around. I know that it is bad… I know that it can be dangerous and can lead to more and worse things… I want to stop… I don’t want to depend on it anymore, and I know that I do.

Maybe I will become a better person out of all of this. Maybe while we are apart Chris will become a better person and then we can grow into a better relationship.

I found out that I lost 10 pounds… I am 10 pounds away from where I want to be. Looks like having your heart broken, not eating, crying all the time and drinking endless bottles of water is a great diet. 10 pounds in 3 weeks!!! I am really happy about that. And in 17 days Amanda and I are going to Evanescence at the Electric Factory!!! I guess I should take everything one day at a time… Evanescence concert… Friday the 13th… All Hallows Eve… and after that I don’t know what to look forward to, but I guess I will find something.

Life is full of unexpected twists and turns… sometimes they are good… sometimes they are horrible… but you can’t ask for anything more then the strength and the ability to cope. It is the only way to survive in this cruel and cold world.