today makes 3 weeks single and heartbroken

Last night was insane. I waited around for Shawn to show up, but he never did. I didn’t hear from him til around 12. He said that he didn’t get off work til really late and just got home and that he was so sorry cause he really wanted to hang out with me.

I told him to talk to me on mess… so he did. We started talking about how much fun we both had with each other the night before. He said that he was really looking forward to seeing me and that he had been thinking about me all day. Then we started talking about the past. We used to work together at CVS a long time ago. Then he told me that he used to like me. I didn’t know that, and I used to like him too. But he had a gf and I was with Chris and I was fine with just being friends. We lost touch for a while and we started talking again through myspace. He said that he feels different (in a good way) when I am around him. And I feel different when I am around him. So I don’t know what is going to happen from this.

I know that I have to be careful. I need to move slowly and carefully cause I don’t want to hurt him and I don’t want to lose the awesome friendship that we have. I made the mistake of moving way too fast with the asshole… and I lost Chris and the friendship that Geoff and I used to have. And I DON’T want that to happen with Shawn and me. He is way too important to me. I guess I should just let things progress, but move with caution. Moving too fast is what got me into this shit in the first place. I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes. But I find myself trusting Shawn… and in a way that scares me. I don’t know how I feel. Inside my emotions are running wild. Like there is a 100 car pile-up in my mind and I am speeding right through it… trying not to crash and burn.

I still have so many feelings for Chris…. but when I talk to Shawn I can feel my heart beating faster… I can feel a smile creep across my face. I want to be single but I don’t. I want to be with Shawn, but I am scared. I want to be with Chris, but that can’t happen. And I don’t know how I am supposed to feel about everything. Shawn is coming over today… we are going to go see the Covenant. I am not expecting anything. I am just going to go with my heart and try not to let myself get in too deep.

I don’t know what to think… I feel these little twinges of light when I am around Shawn, but all Chris has to do is look at me a certain way and I practically melt. I know that I have to forget those feelings… I know that I have to move on, but I can’t. Chris is the one… I am sure of it. I just hopes that he can realize it.

But in the meantime… I need someone there. I need someone to help me forget about who I was with Chris and help me figure out who I am. And Chris can’t or won’t do that… but maybe Shawn can.