I’m done

Everyday is an even bigger struggle…

I have never felt so empty and so alone. My heart is dying and everyday is one day closer to when I can no longer feel. I sat down and thought today… I can feel myself slipping away. The pain and the anger…. the loss and the heartache… the saddness and the emptiness… everyday that I am still here it costs me a little bit more of my soul. I can feel myself slipping away into this dark world. A veil of darkness is slowly covering my eyes to the light of the earth and I can feel myself giving up and giving in. The doors of my future are closing and locking me away from everything.

I try to move… I try to breathe, but every time I try it costs me more then I gain. I don’t think it is even worth it to try and fight anymore. I give up… I give in… and I am just waiting for fate to take hold and take me away. I don’t wish for happiness…. I don’t even know what that is. I just want to disappear and forget that I was ever alive. I want to forget that I was ever here… that I ever tried to do anything. I don’t care anymore…

Everyone keeps telling me to move on… to forget… to stop feeling. And I keep trying to do that, but more the I try the more I lose myself. The more I forget who I am. I don’t know who I am. Before I was someone. I had love and happiness and a future.

Now everything is gone. My heart is dead and it is all I can do to make it through the day. Everyday takes a toll on me… everyday is a struggle. And every morning that I wake up I ask why? Why am I still here? What is the need for me to go through another day?

Maybe I should go talk to someone. I know that my depression is back and I know how bad it can get and the scary part is that it is already worse then the most awful days of my depression before. Chris says that I have to find some happiness somewhere. I don’t think I can feel happiness without a heart and I don’t have one anymore. My heart is dead… and my ability to be happy died along with it. Even the kids at my work don’t make me happy. I used to love my job, I used to be excited about working with the kids there. Now… now I don’t even care if I get there. I haven’t been happy once in the last 2 weeks. And I know that isn’t going to change. All the things that used to make me happy feel empty and strange now.

I can’t concentrate on my homework, or studying. I can’t function. And every day is worse then the one before it. All my smiles are fake, my laughter sounds empty and strange. Sometimes I wonder if Chris even notices or cares about the way I have changed. Sometimes I think it hurts him to see me like this and other times its like he could care less whether I am alive or not.

I am sorry for everyone on here who cares about me… I am sorry that I feel this way… I wish I could change… I wish I was stronger… I wish I could move on and forget… I wish that I could just "become" this new person that everyone thinks I can, but I am not that strong. I am not a fighter. I fought my battle and I lost. And everyday I feel myself losing the fight and wanting to give in. Everyone keeps saying that I have so much potential, but I don’t feel it. I can’t see it.

My headaches and back and worse then before. My heart pain is gone now and replaced with the feeling of death in my chest. My stomach hurts everyday and I eat less and less. In the past 3 days I have had 1 pb&j sandwhich, 10 bottles of water, a small pack of some All-bran snacks. And I am not hungry. I can’t seem to get hungry. Everyone keeps saying that I am better, but I only feel worse. Every second is worse…

I don’t think there is any help for me anymore…….

Trav'sPooh

September 14, 2006

I am so worried about you hon, the one thing I see that is a good thing is your awareness of yourself, and what you feel, that is step one…. step two is getting some help for yourself. You must look inside yourself and find that thing that makes you see yourself, and find something there that pleases you, even if it’s something you know CAN be there, you can do it, I know you can… -K

Shazar

You should NEVER stop feeling. Even though the end of a relationsihop seems the end of the world, it is not. We’re not that lucky; somehow we must pick up the pieces and move forward. It’s never easy. But you’re missing the most crucial element – You. Even if you feel as though you’ve lost, you still endure. That is where your strength is found. Classes, work, OD… it’s all there still.

And in times like these, it’s important to celebrate the simple things that we’ve taken for granted. Like homework and emotions. And kids. Sure it all seems useless now, but it gets better. Please take care of yourself. You’re a treasure to this world, I would be heartbroken were something to happen to you. 🙁

This Opinion of Mine

yush, you defo are hun!! you are laura right?? cos ur on my list 🙂 <33 meep .x.

Yes,definitely try and get some professional help. You need to talk to someone. Depression is often caused by chemical imbalance in your system. It takes a while to figure out what chemicals are out of balance but once that is discovered, you will improve significantly and quite fast. Don’t just go on suffering like this…..good luck……[jerry]

lol, i wud do that 🙂 <33 but yeah i put od neame son aswell now cos other people were like…is that me?? haha.

i wrote you an entry hope it helps. it’s called forgetting

NFG

*huggles you* See a doctor about the way you are feeling? much love, Tara

oh hun you will be okay it just takes time okay and i think you should talk to some one you know just get your feelings out there i would to be really upset and heartbrooken if anything happened to you hang in there okay i’m here if you need okay lots of love from koudelka

.dreamingofreality.

September 15, 2006

i wish i could say something that would make u feel all better but that doesn’t exist, and believe me i have been there before (even though im young). i’m so sorry u feel this way and i hope that you can find a way to move on for yourself… much love and care xxxxx

ryn: I woulda punched him in the face and cut off his dick. :] <3