breakdown

Chris got a call this morning from Trish. He just left not to long ago on his first date with her. They are going to Dave and Busters with her son.

I brokedown…

My world seems to be crumbling around me. I should be happy that they are dating. It just makes it that much closer to the time that he and I get to try again. He told me that when he and her are over that we are going to try again and that he doesn’t see himself going out with her for more then a couple months. Although I know that won’t be the case because I know how he is. He won’t be with one to break it off, but I can hope that from him and her talking maybe his feelings will come back. I can hope that they hang out more and more.

He said that he might be bringing her home tonight. That crushed me. Fuck you can even go out on one date before you have to have her sleep over here. I wanted to die. But maybe if that did happen they would talk… maybe if they did that every weekend they would talk alot more. Maybe he would be able to fix what is wrong inside of him… and then maybe we can get back together.

Amanda and I are going out tongiht when she gets off of work. I know that I should be happy… because I would like to get closer to her… and I know that Chris and I are going to spend time together tomorrow. I have those 2 things to look forward to. My heart is dying… I wish it would hurry up and finish dying all the way. I wish that my feelings for Chris would just disappear so I can get on with my shit life. I keep waiting for fate to intervene and take me away. A car accident, a illness, I don’t care… any physical pain would be welcomed so I don’t have to feel this emotional pain. And I have a feeling that if something like that did happen that Chris wouldn’t be there by my side. He would let me die on my own… alone just like I am now.

Three more days til work… can I make it that long?