numbing

Another day is almost over. Chris has left to go see Trish so I am alone watching tv. I didn’t cry too much today, all in all I guess it wasn’t bad. I am just so lonely and depressed. I am trying to just be friends with Chris, but whoever said that it is almost impossible to just be friends with the one you love is right.

I keep wanting to do more with him, but I hold back. Today was 1 week single without the love of my life. Happy anniversary to me huh?! *cries* I don’t really have much new to say… I am sad, I cry, I am lonely, I am scared, I am heartbroken.

I had a dream today. I have a problem with sleep now. I am always tired. I get a lot of sleep last night, didn’t get up til about 10:30, and then took a 3 hour nap around 12 or so. Another nap not to long ago and I am still tired, but anyway back to the dream.

I dreamt about Chris and I before all this. Back to when I was trying to decide whether to break it off. He had made reservations at the Borgata casino for Christmas. In my dream I didn’t break up with him… I continued to go on with the bad relationship that we were in, but when we went to the casino Chris asked to talk to me. He said that he sensed that we were losing touch and he didn’t want to lose me. We talked for the whole night about everything that we were feeling and made the most passionate love.

I woke up in tears… that should have been how my future played out. That should have been my decision, but instead I threw away 3 years of love and commitment for a stupid fling with a selfish asshole and for what? To lose everything?

I can still feel that love sometimes. Its faint, but its there. I just have to hold off. I have to wait for the right time. A love as powerful as ours once was cannot die, it cannot be ignored. Our time will come… I know it… I believe it. Our love was magickal and I will never doubt its power. Even if it does look grim now… even if it is faint and almost nonexistant. I believe that our love will return and he will come back for my heart.

But until that happens I must stay strong. I must show myself, and Chris, and everyone else that I am not weak and I can do this on my own. I can make it without love and without comfort… I can be single and still struggle on. I want so badly to prove that I can. I want so badly to be able to improve myself. This is my chance… and as painful as it is I am going to grasp onto it. I know the blood is running, but I will hold tight and climb my way up to find myself and then from there… find my love again.

I must stand strong… I must hold on