alone in the rain *so long… sorry*

I had another break down today. Watching yet another show on tv talking about the power of love… and how true love can overcome anything. Right now I don’t believe that. If true love can overcome anything then why am I alone right now? Why is it that Chris calls me and I am bawling my eyes out on the phone, but he doesn’t come to console me?

I think what I need to realize is that I am alone and since I am alone I need to stop counting on people and relying on people to be there for me. Chris isn’t here for me… he keeps saying that he is… he keeps saying that he will be, but he isn’t here for me. He doesn’t come to comfort me when I am upset. All I want is for him to come and just hold me… and let me cry. But he can’t do that… he is to busy pushing me away. He tells me that I am his best friend… but best friends talk to each other. He doesn’t let me in… he doesn’t talk to me. He told me that I am on the outside, some best friends we are.

He told me that he would see me soon, but it is almost 9 he isn’t here. And I am sure that when and if he gets here that he will have already made plans and won’t have time for me.

It hurts to know that is how we are now. It hurts to know that I can’t rely on him like he said. Amy calls him upset and he takes her out to dinner…. I am a crying girly wreck and he gets forceful on the phone with me and then never comes. All of this is making me realize that I can’t rely on anyone but me. There isn’t going to be anyone there for me but me.

Looking out at the rain makes me sad… it makes me want to run to Chris and cry, but I can’t rely on that… I can’t believe that is going to happen because I can’t count on him. He is slowly abandoning me, piece buy piece, bit by bit. Shoving me aside and hanging out with everyone that isn’t me.

Being alone like this kinda of makes me wish that there was a girl that I could talk to. I don’t have any close girlfriends to go to and say… I hate my life, help me forget. To stop over the house and try to take my mind off of my shitty life. I am more alone then I ever have been. Atleast when I lost my last close girlfriend Chris was there to talk to, he was there for me to go to and talk and cry and think outloud to. But now I have noone and I am really alone. I am the only person in the whole world that I can trust. When Chris and I were talking he said just give it time. When the time is right then we can try again… we can start really talking again. I just don’t know how to get to that time.

Looking back on my life… my sad horrible hell of a life I realize more and more that I am going to be alone, whether I do it to myself or someone else does… I will be alone. I have to stop looking at everyone and how happy they are. I have to realize that I was meant to be miserable. It was true before and it is even more true now.

It is dark and cold and raining… I am sitting here in my Slipknow hoody wondering how my life got so fucked. Wondering why I always seem to sabotage anything good and its because I am meant to be alone and miserable. Since all his has started people have been telling me that I will find the right person… that I will love again… that I will overcome this feeling and find my soulmate. But in reality I already have and he can’t be with me… he can’t or won’t. Which ever the case it doesn’t matter. It all boils down to me being alone and depressed. Right back where I was freshmen year. Depressed, rejected, alone… my destiny all along.

People keep saying that I just need to wake up and realize that I am better off alone, that I am strong. What they don’t realized is that I have never been happy except 2 years out of my life, which have to do with Chris. I was never good alone and I will never be. But somewhere inside of me is the ability to be alone. Somewhere inside this damaged person is the ability to barely survive on my own. I just have to forget that I ever belonged to someone because everytime I think about that I feel how empty I really am. I want to belong to one person, but if not… then I will belong to noone. I belong to nature… I belong to the Lord and Lady… I belong to the spirits.

I have to turn away from love and turn to Wicca. Meditation… alone time… inner strength… these were all things that I got from practicing Wicca. I was capable of doing on my own. I don’t know how many of you believe in reincarnation, but I do. I have been reincarnated atleast 4 times… and those are just the ones that I am able to remember. Some of you may think that I am crazy or wrong to believe in that, but if that is where you are then stop reading here.

I can remember, clearly anyway 4 lives. There may be more, I don’t know, but I guess now is my chance to find out. One thing I did realize is that I never make it in love. I have found the spirit that I believe is in Chris and in every life that I can remember I have lost it in one way or another. Death, my own sabotage, murder, sickness, and now my own sabotage again. I am not meant to love anyone. I am not meant to find true love and keep it. I only find it as a reminder of how much it hurts to lose it. Wicca will be what I live for now. I don’t even care about school, but I am still going to go. Wicca is my calling, and thinking about that makes me smile. Thinking about the powers that I once had when I was really into Wicca… the dreams I had of the future, the spirits that I was in touch with. I want that back now. I can rely on the Goddess to watch me, She will help me realize my life. Although the journey will be hard… it is going to take me a long time to realize that I am meant to be alone, because it felt so good to be loved by Chris. But the magick of our love has disappeared… hopefully for the moment and not forever, but which ever way it is gone.

I remember what I was like before love… when I was stronger and harder. When I didn’t trust anyone or anything. Where the only reason that I didn’t end it all was because I thought…

"maybe I have a chance in this life"

HA… proved wrong again. My heart is always leading me down the wrong path and now I have to stop listening to it. I have to struggle on and I have to do it on my own.

It is the same way in nature… no matter what the rain will fall. We can always pray for sun… hope for warm weather, but the cycle continues and the rain falls, the winter comes, and the world is

barren. I need to make it winter in my heart. All the leaves are falling off the trees… autumn is almost done and winter will be setting in soon. The snow will fall over my pain until it is frozen in place and I will be once again numb to emotions and love.

The good days will come… but more of them will be bad. The tears will come and go, but I will not cry for Chris anymore. I will not cry for my broken dying heart anymore. If I let myself cry, which I am weak now and I am sure that I will, I will cry for myself. I will cry for my empty and the pain as the cold snow falls over my agony. There is no point to cry for Chris… he doesn’t he me… he can’t be bothered with my pain, so I will bother myself with it. That is all I can do. If that is not good enough I don’t care. You can only do the best that you can do and what other people think of your best doesn’t matter. Nothing matters…

I’m done…