August 28, 2006

realizing

I made it through one night without crying. I slept alone and made it through the night without crying. When I woke up this morning Chris was holding me in bed. He said that he had wanted to snuggle with me that night, but I was too busy.

We had an actual conversation this morning. He still wants to try and help me through this. He will always and forever be my best friend. Nothing will ever change that. And I know that he will always love me and I will always love him in a way that no one else ever could. He is going to date Trisha, her real name is Trisha… and hope that the feeling that he used to have for me can be reborn in his ability to trust and love someone else. We talked about the future and trying to be happy alone so that maybe someday down the line we can be happy together.

I don’t plan on dating anyone for a long time. I haven’t been single in almost 5 years so I guess now is my time to shine as me and not someone’s gf. Does it hurt inside? Horribly. Does my heart feel empty? Yes. Do I feel like I will ever really be able to trust love again? No.

But talking to Chris and seeing him cry about how much this is hurting him also… it makes me realize that I will never be able to be happy and love someone unless it is him. To be truely happy and in love… I will never really feel that way unless I am with Chris. He says that he plans on dating Trisha for the next couple of months, but that he isn’t excited about it or really happy about it. And I can see that… sure he was happy that she said yes, it is giving him hope that we can find our way back to each other, but is he really happy to be with her? No, he isn’t. He still wants to be with me and I can see that, just like I still want to be with him, but the timing is off right now.

So I am going on… to hang out with the girls… to keep focused on school and work. Christmas is going to suck because I have never been alone on Christmas and I don’t know if I am going to celebrate it this year. It might be to hard and I don’t think that I will be ready for Christmas and all the emotions that comes wtih it. Do I hope to be with him by then yes, but do I think it will happen, no.

Every time I think of him with her my stomach cramps up on me… it feels horrible. But I will never hold out hope that 1) I can make it on my own and 2) that Chris will find me in time. I know that the love we once shared is precious now… like no other love and I am willing to wait for the opportunity to rekindle that as best as possible. I am not willing to give up on us without one last try when both of us are capable of trying because this wasn’t the case here. It was way to soon to try… we are both still too hurt and empty. Maybe after he is done with Trisha he and I can work on the beautiful friendship that we once had and move forward from there.

I don’t know what the future holds for me anymore…. I used to know… I used to know exactly where I was going, but now everything that was once there is erased and I have to start all over again. This next year of my life will be the hardest year that I have ever had to go through. This next year will either make me stronger or devastate me completely. But I do know that my heart will never be the same after this.

Moment to moment…. day to day… that is how I have to live my life now. And keep telling myself and I can make it on my own. I will stumble and fall many times along the way…. and the endless river of tears will be forever flowing, but there are people here who want to help me… there are people here who care about me and I have to keep looking ahead and stop looking back to the horrible past that I can’t change. I may have given up once, but I don’t plan on doing that again. Love will find a way back to each of us… and I hope that with that love comes each other.

I just have to remember that life is going to suck really badly for the next 6 months to a year or more. Will I ever be over this totally? I don’t think so. But I hope that I can salvage what I can and make the best out of the shit that I have beeen handed and handed to myself. I just have to see where this new dark and scary road takes me. I am crying and scared, but I know that I am not alone completely. My heart may be alone… but I know that my spirit is surronded by others who want to hold me up and help me. And yes I count myself lucky that Chris is one of those spirits.

Over the Rainbow

August 29, 2006

Don’t let him snuggle with you. Remember he doesn’t want to be with you. Don’t let him have you with out the commitment. It will only hurt YOU more! And i’m sorry to say this hun but i think he is feeding u lies. I think he might still have love for you but he can’t be in love with you if he’s thinking about dating other grls. How can he say that he’s not happy about dating that grl…if he’s not

then why is he doing it? I think he’s just telling you what you want to hear.

Shazar

I’m in complete agreement with [wishes]. Why should he have all the benefits of being with you without any of the responsbilities? He’s been selfish. That’s not fair to you. You deserve someone better than that. I may sound harsh to hear that right now, but it’s a truth. Don’t be taken advantage of like that! You do have people who will support you; not all of them have the purest of intentions.

Choose your spirits and allies carefully; don’t lose yourself in the past. Be Here, Now. My best to you always.

Oh Baby, why are you so blind? Can’t you see what’s going on? If he really wanted to be with you, he would be. Don’t fall for his lies. Move on to a bright and happy future. You deserve much better. …..[jerry]

RX♥queen//

well i’m glad that you’re doing good, but you shouldn’t let him think he can do stuff like that unless you decide to be friends with benefits. but don’t let him take advantage of having your friendship. if you’ve been hurt, you don’t need that again. but once again, i feel the same way. i started talking to mine again yesterday. i just wish i hadn’t cried the whole time….Ela

Grim_Joker

yeah well reality can be nice too. not likely, but it can happen.

Rain has been my salvation and damnation countless times – sorry and joy. I wrecked my car in rain, I said goodbye to my Love in the rain; and yet, it also brought that love so much closer for a time. Rain, Water – has such a subtle power at times; it courses though my life in a path that I’m never sure of – sometimes healing, sometimes destroying, but always there.

I don’t know if you’ve seen Cowboy Bebop, but there are two songs, “Blue” and “Walk in the Rain” that ALWAYS bring this sense of heartbreaking tragedy, to the point where I cannot breathe, and there are tears. Raw Emotions, exposed, vulnerable. And it takes so much to bring myself back form those precipices, to accept and celebrate the tragedy, even if it isn’t mine.

We can only move ahead one day at a time, one moment at a time. When Christmas is here, then you will worry about it, though I believe there will be much to celebrate. I admire you for your courage and strength. It was not in jest when I called you Goddess; you are a profound pillar of love, devotion, and hope. Your tears are your compassion. And through this ordeal, you will be even greater.

Relying on your self, learning about your self, that’s a life long process. In hindsight, I’m happy to have taken the time to see who I was, despite the turmoil and sorrow I felt. And that’s why I have such a strong belief in You. Because you’re at that threshold of your life, where you’re about to meet the Real You; the You that is so unparalleled in this universe. And that is a wonderful moment.

i have to agree with the others sorry hun but if he dose love you he should be with you not some other girl you can do much better than him it may hurt but it’s for the best i’m a wiccan and that makes guys run but yeh i can do better so can you

sweetestface

August 30, 2006

I’m in agreement with *wishes*…..everything she said was what i was gonna say. Also, life continues. Whether its with a bf or not. Life can be AS beautiful you just have to give it a try. Im sure things will get better. I know it will. Give your self time to heal and love yourself first before you even attempt at falling in love again. If you do that…being in love will be beautiful once again.

britishaphrodite

Hey,i just read your entry and im going through exactly the same kind of break up.im also dreading christmas without my boyfriend and having to graduate without him being there but i guess that we’ll both get through this.i also feel the same way about dating other people.what will be will be.i hope you find happiness in what ever happens.

WhISpeRSoFReDeMPtIoN

There are already so many notes here. But hopefully this will be of value to you. If someone truly loves you then they would desire no one else before you. They would sacrifice all the unknown to be wrapped in your embrace for all time. Sry but we do not believe that he loves you. If he did then there would not be a replacement woman for you. You are worthy regaurdless his ignorance. Anjel