love vs hate *edit*

So the talk happened… we are over. He totally broke everything off with me. He doesn’t want to be my bf anymore. I am devasted more then I thought that I was before. My migraine is worse then before… and my heart aches. But I have decided that I am going to embrace my anger since Chris decided to kick me out of the room and give me the tiny room even though I am home a lot more then he is.

The only way that I am going to get through this is to hate him. He is so cold to me… and I hate him for it. He said that he wants to work this out in the end, that he still wants to marry me. He told me that if I don’t eat he is going to have me committed. He said that if I died he would have to go through this all again when he finally found the feeling that he lost.

I cried to the point of almost throwing up. Then he left to hang out with the guys and go see his slut friend Amy and maybe his new gf C. I don’t even care… I have to just give up on him finding me and go find myself.

I wouldn’t be able to be so positive without Sam… he came home and saw me crying and hugged me. Then we talked for about 3 hours. He told me that I should become an independent women. He said that he would take me out and try to be there and help as much as he can. I love Sam for what he has done for me. After telling him everything about Chris and I, past and present, he said that Chris is the one that should be begging for me and not the oher way around. He said that he doesn’t understand why Chris is doing this to me or us, but that there must be something wrong with him. I want him to feel how hurt he has made me, but he doesn’t care. My crying only seems to irritate him, he no longer cares if I am upset or not and if he does he isn’t showing it.

With all that I am I have to hate him if I am going to get through this. I hate the way that he treats me now… and that he can’t fix whatever is wrong… and that he won’t try harder… and that he would rather be with someone else… I hate him. Of course I still love him with all my heart, but I hate him.

He is killing me and I feel my happiness for life disappearing and being replaced by hatred and anger and rage. I HATE HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He said that maybe in a couple years he hopes that we can try to be together agian. I hope that too and I hope that I can make it to that. But I have to not cry… I have to hate him before I will ever be strong enough to move on.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~EDIT~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So Sam to the rescue continues… he called his gf and Farris invited me out for girls night to a club in Philly Saturday night. I am going to go because fuck it I am alone now… why not flirt with guys and then drop them in the dirt. (Sorry guys… there is just some man hating/life hating right now) And I am talking with a friend Amanda… she just broke up with her bf of 19months… and she wants to hang out too. Which is exactly what I need… to get away from the house so I don’t have to think about Chris and what a fucked up asshole he is.