February 8, 2006

the truth

Recently it seems that more and more people are depressed. Me included in that. I hate to admit it, but its true. I know that people are going to read this and be upset (Geoff) and my writing this is not intended to hurt anyone. This is how I feel, how I feel and I can’t make the feeling go away and it is no one’s fault but my own that I am like this. It isn’t that people don’t make me happy, it is that life doesn’t make me happy. . . I don’t make myself happy. And unfortuetly for me. . . I don’t know how to fix that.

It just seems that more and more people are feeling down on themselves. I have been talking to a couple people here on OD that are feeling the same way. I know that my living situation has a lot to do with it. Dealing with my father who could give a flying fuck wether I lived or died tomorrow does wonders for my self esteem, yeah let me tell you. I know that I shouldn’t even care, I know that no matter what I do it will never be enough for him and I know that I hate him so I shouldn’t care what he thinks, but the people pleaser in me can’t help but care.

And then my financial situation. . . it is just so bad right now. I have no money. I might as well not even have a job cause every paycheck already has somewhere to go for the next 2 months. I had to decide ysterday if I wanted food or gas. I chose food and now I don’t have enough gas to get to class. And I have no money. . . it just makes me want to cry.

In fact I have felt like crying all day long. And I hate to cry. . . I hate tears, I hate being sad, I hate being depressed. Sometimes I feel that depression and bad luck just follow me around and wait to pounce on me together.

I have had the urge a lot more lately. . . more so then usual and the other night after Geoff and I had a "fight" I almost gave in. It was so close, and then I would have broken my 3 months without a cut. In a way it scared me, not that I wanted to, but that I almost did. I know when some people read this the words "you are so stupid" run through their mind. I am not stupid, I am struggling. Struggling to make it through every single day, every night.

Geoff does help. He helps me a lot, he makes me forget about the pain I am living but that only works for so long until I am overwhelmed by everything. I keep pushing the feelings back more and more and eventually I can’t push anymore and then the urges come and the tears come and the desire to just give up and give in. I like to think of myself as a strong person, I have been through so much and I am still here to talk about it, but sometimes when I feel like this it makes me feel like nothing.

nothing. . .

Its just like the icon on my front page. . . I don’t know how many times a day I do that. I hate to talk about myself. I hate to talk about my problems and my pain, I write poetry, that is my outlet. I can never get people to understand my pain. Making it through the day is agony sometimes.

I don’t want to complain, I don’t want pity, I just needed a good vent I guess. I just want someone to look at me and say its ok, I feel the same and let me just cry for a while, but things are so different for everyone around me. There are people that do understand, but they are never around for me to talk to. So I just go through the day with a smile on my face, helping everyone who needs help, making sad people smile again, giving advice and support, I just can’t help myself and I don’t know why that is.

Shazar

February 9, 2006

Our selves are the hardest people to help, because we have a personal stake in the outcome. I think as a culture, people are a lot more depressed, and I agree with you. For me, I took one hell of an effort to find something positive, and a lot more to stay focused on that. We are taught to worry about everyone else, not ourselves, and that’s not right. Eh, I could go on, but I wish you well. 🙂

~Sitkah_Shadoria~

February 10, 2006

thankies.

sweetestface

You’re right it does seem like everyone is depressed. Maybe its the winter blues…lol. In any case, i understand about your self esteem when it comes to your father and how you feel he doesnt value you and care for you. I know all this must be tough. And yes we all need a good cry once in a while and you are entitled to do just that. Don’t hold it in …its just bad for you. Maybe if you cant

…find an outlet in people as far as having a shoulder to cry on (then again you have Geoff ..and he seems to support you and be there with you) you can always pop in your favorite CD or take a walk in the park or do something you enjoy doing to kinda ease the pain. The best thing to do is to confront everything you are going through HEAD ON. Tackle each one ….one at a time. A day at a time.

Even if you feel like its alot. My motto is: Something’s gotta give….eventually. Hang in there. Cry if you have to. Be upset. But pick yourself up again and start to making minor changes on things around you will affect you. Even though there are alot of things we cannot control we can control how MUCH they do affect us. I hope i’ve helped and that you start to feel better. xoxoxo

AllisterA7x

Hey. I was kind of shocked when I read your entry. It does seem like everyone has been down lately. Either with relationships or just random problems in their life. It’s not fair, because most of the people don’t deserve it, espcially you.. Both my parent’s could really care less as well. It’s never about me, it’s always about them. Then when my dad screws up, my mom comes crying to me. And then

The next day she is right back down my throat again. I planned on leaving you a longer comment but this kid next to me started talking to me and pulled me away from the computer. Damn him. So now the bell is about to ring. I just wanted to say that I hope you feel better, and as the same I am here for you too. I used to be a cutter. I haven’t done it in a couple months. I refuse..

Ever do it again. It’s a habit I can’t afford to get involved into. I also quit drinking and smoking. I never really smoked, but I made it final. I’m basically becoming a straight-edge now. If I ever did drink it was because I was hurt over my ex. I talked to her last night, and I told her that I was going to give her space, and she can call me in a week. Then she told me that she its probably

Going to be longer than a week.. and I was just like whatever, and we hung up. I just thought I would give you an update because I won’t be writing in here until Monday prob. One of my guy friend’s are taking me out for Valentine’s Day tonight.. I’m kind of curious if he ends up ditching me.. Don’t stop believing that things will get better, it just might take longer, but they will be.

Hehe these are alot of notes, lol. I’m broke too. I have a dollar to my name, thats if I’m lucky. I need the money really bad, but I know that somehow all of this will work out. And it took you and some other people to get that through my head. Well, I’m here for you. And if you want to email me, my email is: Acoustic_Emo_Love@yahoo.com I love ya buddy! *Hugies* Feel better!

Sorry you’re feeling sad. I sure hope you feel better really, really soon.

*cries*