weekend shit starts (and something deep)

Well it is about 12pm on Saturday. . . and the weekend has just started. So has my father’s shit.

I felt like complete shit last night so I kept going back to bed this morning when I woke up. I didn’t come out of my room until about 11:30. Don’t you know that my f*cking father has already started a fight with my mum about me. This fight happens to be about my car. He is angry that I parked my car behind his since eric was parked behind my mother. I am not parking my car in the street since I pay $231.49 a month for that damn car and I am not about to have it hit. Two years ago my ex’s car was hit and the guy who did it drove off. A hit and run. In Jersey if there is a hit and run and the person who causes the accident gets away and isn’t caught. . . guess whose fault it is? YOURS!! So F that. I am not about to have my insurance raised because my asshole father decided to park his piece of shit, already smashed, already paid for van in the driveway that I use.

So now since my asshole father is fighting with my mum she has to fight with me about it. I am so sick of this shit. I am so sick of him always finding something about me that he doesn’t like, or that he wants to fight about. I am so sick of it. I have so much other stuff going on during the week. And now there is school added into the mess agian. The weekend is the only real downtime that I have and I can never relax and enjoy it since he always has to start shit. I am sick of it. . . so f*cking sick.

What did I ever do to deserve to be treated like this. Why does he even call me his daughter if he doesn’t like me and doesn’t want anything to do with me? I don’t understand. This is why I am f*cked up!

Onto something a bit more serious that I have been thinking about strongly.

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I was debating on wether to talk about this on here, but it’s my diary and I am going to write about whatever I want.

I don’t know how many of you know this, but I am a cutter. I haven’t cut in a while, but once a cutter always a cutter. It will be something that you battle with forever. I thought that I had beat it. I thought that I was done fighting the urges, but iike I said once=always. I have talked to some people about it and my depression that comes back to rear its ugly head at me from time to time.

Please before I continue this let me just say. . . I know that people have mixed ideas and feelings about cutting. I know that some people see it as a weakness "why harm yourself, its stupid, it makes no sense" and some people understand it. There are all different kinds of people out there who cut themselves or do some kind of self-harming behavior. I never said that I was proud that I do it and I never said that I liked having this shadow follow me throughout my life. So please if you don’t understand it or have nothing nice to say then say nothing and stop reading now. I don’t need the criticism. . .

I started cutting when I was around 12. I had no idea that so many people did it and I thought that I was just really insane at the time. I didn’t find out about cutting or what it was until I was 15. I hid it well, but things started to get worse and the counselor at school told me that I had depression and that I should try talking to someone more qualified to help me then her. I told my mum about it. She told me that it was all in my head and that I was just asking for attention and to knock it off. Throughout all of this my father was beating me and verbally abusing me. He told me that he was going to kill me a couple times and I became suicidal. I attempted a couple times, told me mum about it and she told me that I was just being immature and that my life wasn’t that bad.

I decided that the only way for me to deal with everything was to cut. So I kept on until I was about 18. I decided that I didn’t want to cut anymore. That I was going to prove everyone wrong and make it in the world. I decided that I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore and that I wanted to be a social worker or a counselor. I wanted to reach out to people like me. . . kids who felt as if they were nothing. I went to a checkup when I was 19 and a doctor said that I was still suffereing from depression, but I had already started classes and I knew about the drugs they used to treat depression and how they affect you. I decided to keep fighting on my own.

This is a very short edited version of my life story here. . . maybe one day I will write down everything that I remember in detail, but not now.

So I guess that leads me to now. . . here I am 21 years old. I still suffer from both cutting and depression. I have been thinking more and more about getting professional help. I really don’t want to. . . I know they are going to put me on drugs and I know that it may take a long time before they find the drug that works for me without suffering from all the awful sideeffects that come with depression medication. I have been doing a lot of research on depression and cutting. I have read article after article, I have looked at different treatments. I just don’t know what to do anymore. The other night I came so close to breaking my promise to Geoff and to myself that I would not cut. It sent me into this downward spiral and I was really depressed for the past couple days, but I tried to hide it the best I could. I have shed my tears and written my poems and managed to pull myself out of it for the most part. But I know that stress plays a huge part in depression and now with school and my father I just don’t know if I will be able to make through the rest of the school year. There is no one that I can really talk to about this. . . save for my one close friend that I have lost touch with. I have thought about talking to Geoff about it (honey I know that you will read this soon so if I don’t talkto you before then I am sorry) but he is hardfast against the whole cutting thing and it is not an easy thing to talk about.

I do apologize for my lack of updates and only posting my depressing poetry, but updating has been hard for me to do without crying so I just haven’t done it. Well now I guess you all know where I stand. I am not asking for advice, but if you are willing to give

any I would love to read it. I just needed to vent and I have become close with many people here and I feel comfortable writing about this here. I am sure that more sad poems are to follow this since writing this has taken a lot out of me and I think i am just going to finally take a shower and get the hell out of my house.

Thank you to all who read this the whole way through. . . I know it is long and there is a lot to take in.

Love to all