during the last entry

I apologize for ending my last entry to abruptly, but my father was starting an argument with me at the time I was writing it. So this is what happened. . .

As I was sitting in the bedroom typing my asshole father comes up the stairs to yell at my sister and I. ( My mum, sister, brother and grammommy all went to New York, so it was just me, alli, and my father) My sister and I had not said anything to him since the fight that happened on Christmas. He comes up the stairs yelling, "If you two think that you are going to play games then I can play games too." Then he walks past alli and eric(my sister’s bf) and walks into the bedroom and says to me. "Geoff isn’t allowed over anymore." WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How it is that my sister and I do the same thing but yet her bf is still allowed over and mine isn’t. . . ? I got up and said okay, whatever. . . Geoff is still coming over. . . you can’t play favorites with me. I know that you don’t like me. . . I know that you don’t love me, but I didn’t do anything to you so why are you trying to ruin my holiday? He just walked away from me. So I went back upstairs to try and calm down. Then he comes upstairs and tells me that if Geoff walks into the house that he is going to punch him in the face.

I said Oh like hell you are. You are not going to lay one hand on him. Then he got really mad and told him that I can’t tell him what to do. I said that Geoff was still coming over until he could give me a reason why it was only Geoff that couldn’t come over and not Eric too. He had nothing to say. He said that I need to learn to respect him. I’m sorry but respect is a two-way thing. If you are not going to respect me and the people that I care about then why on earth would I respect you. He said, "Okay. . . we will see. . . I will call the cops right now."

So he calls 411 to try and get the number to our town police, but 411 doesn’t connect him so he gets really frustrated. He comes running up the stairs yelling the whole way. . . and runs into the room where I am. He gets right up in my face yelling at me and pointing and shaking the phone in my face. He tells me that no one is going to tell him what he can and cannot do. He has the same look in his eye that he did when he strangled me over the summer so I told him to get the hell away from me and not touch me. He shook the phone in my face again and all I remember is seeing his arms start to move. There was no where for me to go. . . I had no room to run since he was blocking my only exit so I pushed him to give myself room to move. He tripped on a box when he stepped back and fell on our clothes hamper and broke it.

Alli starts screaming and crying from the other room. Telling my asshole father to stop it and not to touch me. I was waiting for him to get up and come after me, but he must have fallen harder then I thought since he just lay there on the floor. Alli is crying in the hallway and my father rolls over to ask her why she is crying since he didn’t lay a hand on me. . . this time.

He gets up and goes down stairs.

I was so upset. . . I was shaking and I know that my adrenaline was pumping full force. All I wanted to do was get away and go see Geoff. Chris was calling me in the middle of all of this and he heard my father yelling in the background. Geoff sent me a text and I told him what happened, but he didn’t seem that upset and I didn’t really know what to do. I didn’t want to leave my sister there and I didn’t want to stay so we both left.

I ended up going to blockbuster with chris since he got off of work and he wouldn’t stop calling me. I was so tired so I went back to chris’s house and ended up falling asleep waiting for my sister to get there. I didn’t know where I was going to sleep and thought that I was going to sleep at a friend’s house, but at the last minuet Geoff said that he would spend the night with me. I didn’t trust my father enough to stay there by myself. It was nice to get to sleep all night with Geoff. I felt so warm and safe in his arms. I haven’t slept that deeply in I don’t even know how long.

But I knew that something like this was going to happen. Everytime that f*cking asshole goes on vacation and stays home some shit always goes down. I was half hoping that he was going to punch me in the face so I could press charges on him, but I am sure that will happen later. I just have to wait for it.

I am so sick of his shit. . . I am so sick of him treating me like this unwanted child that someone forced on him because that is all I feel like to him. I want nothing to do with him. . . I wish that I had the money to move out. I am about to stop going to school so that I can work 3 jobs and save up enough money to move out. I already told my mum that I want nothing to do with him. Once I leave he is not allowed to know my address. He is not allowed at my wedding. . . not allowed to see my kids and I am not going to his funeral. I don’t care. . . I am so sick and tired of this shit. I don’t need to be worrying about the next punch, bruise, slap, threat. I don’t need to worry about what if the next time that he decides to strangle me. . . maybe there won’t be anyone around and maybe I won’t live to see another day. I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t talk to him. . . its just like talking to wall. There is no way for me to fix this, repair this destroyed father/daughter relationship.

I am just the reject little child to my father. . . this is nothing that I can do to make him like me, make him love me. . . but at this point I don’t want anything from him other then for him to just leave me alone until I can move out.

GGGRRRR. . . . .