lost in the night

I decided that I had to get away from the computer for awhile. I went for a walk to the post office. I finally got a chance to talk to my best friend. God. . . I realized that I haven’t talked to him in ages. I missed his voice and his laugh. He always knows how to make me smile. He made me forget, atleast for a little while, everything that he been storming around my mind. I needed the walk though. When we got off the phone I walked around for a bit longer. The exercise was good, I walked for about 2 hours. So much on my mind.

I realized that I have forgotten to eat. I don’t know how that skipped my mind but it did. I was talking to david and realized that i haven’t eaten in 3 days. The funny part is that I am not even hungry. I know this is a bad sign. I know what this feeling usually leads to, but I am just going to keep going day by day. I will try to eat something tomorrow.

*huge sigh*

I guess I am just depressed with the way that everything has been going lately. My moods have been going up and down. I feel as if I am in a roller coaster and the ride is about to crash. And there are times that I am afraid I won’t survive if it did. Some days are good. . . yesterday was good to a point. I was hoping to talk to someone yesterday, but that didn’t work out, but other then that everything was fine. I don’t know.

I know what I want to a certain extent. I really want to finish school and I keep struggling my way through that. I refuse to drop out. I want to become a social worker, I want to help people for a living. I want to go explore more of the world. There is so much out there. So many places around the world that I want the opportunity to go to. And I want someone to share that with. I still don’t know how to define chris’s and my relationship. Sometimes I don’t feel that we have much of one. We are not really intimate anymore. . . and that is a major part of a relationship. I still love him, I really do, but I am afraid that we may be rushing into something that we are not prepared for. . . that we are not ready for. I don’t know where we stand.

I hate feeling this way. I have looked back on some of my entries. They all sound so depressed. I don’t know why I can’t just feel happy. I deserve to. . . I know that I do. My life is not all bad, but I always tend to share the bad parts on here. I am not this unhappy depressed person all the time. My alter ego does ocassionally surface. My heart is just really sensitive right now. Hell. . . it is sensitive all the time, but the holidays that are coming up are always hard for me. I am just tired. I haven’t been sleeping well, but all my dreams have been good. I am tired of work. I am tired of my mother always being on my ass for one thing or another. I just want someone to hold me and let me cry for awhile. But there is no one here. So I struggle on through each day.

Guess I will keep struggling. . .

Hopefully I will have happier entries then just the one about samhain?!