mind now at ease
my insane mind that runs wild with all kinds of thoughts and doubts has come to a halt agian. i did email him and he replied with good news. what he told me i already knew in my heart, but i was just scared, yes that would describe it best. i am just tired of being hurt and to open up so much of my heart to someone is a big deal from me. but i am not upset that i did, infact i feel amazing about it. things are well tonight.
i just went shopping with chris for our friend’s baby shower gifts. we spent $190 total, but we got many things that were on the registry and other more personal gifts besides that. it was hard for me to be in Babies ‘R Us. just looking at all the baby clothes, and the toys, and the strollers. . . it just made me want to have children. i love babies. i love children, but i guess that is why i surround myself with kids. one of my jobs is in an aftercare program at a school. i love those kids there, i work with some of the most amazing kids. there are some of them that i guess you could say i am close too. they run to me when they get out of school, come to cry to me when they are hurt, they love to sit on my lap, they love to play everything and anything with me. i love those kids. and i love my job.
Lauren, Francesca, and Caitlyn
they are only some of the children that i watch. most days we have about 20 kids from grades kindergarten to sixth grade. this picture is from the last day of school last year, we had all the kids paint a huge mural of what they were going to do that summer. Francesca and Caitlyn are two of the kids that are attached at my hip, but i don’t mind. i am lucky to be able to know them and to have to oppurtunity to make a positive impact on them. i have more pictures and i will try to put more on here soon.
just being there at the store made me want children so badly, but i know that i am not ready. i am still in college and i have some years to go yet. i want to be able to provide as much as i can when i do have children. i am already saving money now. i put away a dollar a day, just imagine how much money that will be in five years. . . no where near enough, but it is a start. i want to be able to be the best mother that i can be and i can’t be that right now. but someday in the future i hope that i have children and a family of my own.