times are changing

chris went online and read my diary. . .

so he came to me this morning and told me that he wanted to break up with me, he didn’t want me to be the one to end it so that i couldn’t feel guilty about it. we had a long conversation, many tears fell, and we kissed at the end of the conversation, the good-bye kiss. he wrote me a letter and left me his necklace that i bought him, something that he never leaves the house without. it was so awful, i felt so bad about it. he was so upset, i have not seen him that upset in a long, long time. it was horrible.

some time went by. . . he took a walk and i talked to sam about what happened. chris texted my phone to see where i was, i went to pick him up. we went to my little brother’s soccer game and talked. i told him that i had doubts and that i was unsure about where my life was going. it was killing me inside. he said that he has no idea where we stand now, but that he doesn’t want to lose me. i realized that i would miss him horribly if i wasn’t with him, but i know that us being together this much is only breaking us apart. we have tentatively come to an agreement. we are no longer engaged. i am going to wear my ring on a necklace instead of my finger. he and i are going to tune down our relationship and go back to dating. we are going to work on being friends. i don’t know yet if i am going to move back to my mother’s house, i may do that eventually. . . in the next week or so. i know that the space will help us to figure out if we are really and truely meant to be.

i don’t know how this is going to go. i don’t know where i am going to go from here. i really need a friend since chris and i am going to be spending so much time apart now, but i know that this is important. i know that this is what i need to do. i am scared that as time goes by that chris may be the one and i won’t be able to get back what i lost, but this may be what saves us, but more importantly this is what is going to save me. after the fighting, and the breaking up, the crying, the talking, the decision. . . i am so drained. i have a test tomorrow in ab psych. . . i have yet to study. i have cried so much this weekend my eyes are swollen, but i know that this is something that i must do.

for everyone that has given me advice. . . thank you for everything. your support has been much appreciated. i don’t know where i would be right now without all of you. i hope that i have helped some of you to the degree that you have helped me. i love you all.