unaware

sam talked to chris today. i don’t know what he talked about, but he was asking me alot of questions this morning. he asked me if i did go through with this, and if chris didn’t kill himself when i told him, if i would consider working things out with chris? Honest truth. . . i don’t know. i do love him, he has been there for me on more then one occasion. i miss the way we were freshmen year of high school. . .

reminiscing

chris and i met freshmen year so back in 1998. . . wow that makes me feel really old. he was really sweet, and we became really close. he would come over to my house and we would sit out and talk for hours on end. i miss those conversations with him. hell with anyone. i have not had a face-to-face conversation that has lasted more then 10 min. in, i don’t even remember when. but back to the memories. we helped each other through some very difficult times. he helped me through my times of greater depression. he asked me out back then, but i was already with someone and i turned him down. it wasn’t til the summer after my senior year that we got together. i had just come out of a bad relationship the day before he and i got together. i have not been single in 6 years except for a short 2 month span when one of my boyfriends broke up with me, before we got back together. i think that is where my problem comes in.

i have not been on my own and i dive into serious relationships too quickly.

i don’t like to be alone, i think that is another problem. i am a very physical person and by that i mean i love to hug, cuddle, hold hands, lay with, hold, kiss. . . and it is sad to say but i haven’t done any of that in a long time. where has all my passion gone? i feel numb inside. i don’t remember what those things feel like. i have tried desperatly to get that back with chris, but it seems like the more i try the more frustrated i get that it doesn’t work. *sigh*

chris is back to normal. even though he knows tha something is wrong with me, wrong with us. he is ignoring it. i am trying to figure out what i am going to say. how i am going to word it. i know that he loves me and is in love with me, but that isn’t enough anymore. despite my best efforts our relationship continues wither away into oblivion. i am sticking to my original thought. i need an escape. if it wasn’t for school i would have left already. tell no one where i am, turn off my cell phone, just disappear. i am saving money for it now. i have $200 put away already. i have been so depressed lately that this weekend i am going shopping then all the money that i make is going toward this. i don’t know where i am going yet, but i have been searching the net. looking for someplace to disappear to.