almost forgot

My art history class was cancelled and I almost went to school like an idiot. Thank goodness a small part of my brain is still functioning and I remembered that I don’t have class. I guess I will take this oppurtunity to write about last night.

chris wanted to go out to dinner last night. I wasn’t really hungry but I said ok and we went to Applebees. He asked me what I wanted to do this weekend and I said I wasn’t sure, but sam (a friend of ours) wanted to take me out to a club since I turned 21 a couple of months ago. I am really excited to go because I love to dance and I haven’t really since sam’s 25th birthday party and that was almost a year ago. There is just something about dancing that is addicting. The music flowing through my body, my body swaying to the beat, it is an escape of sorts. But anyway, chris doesn’t really dance, but sam loves to. I told him don’t worry I would get sam to teach him how to dance. He said there is no point because he is tired of dancing. I could never be tired of dancing, but then again I also love music of all kinds and I don’t do anything without music of some kind. I asked why and he said that it is the same old thing that he has done to many times already. So I asked him what other things he is tired of and he said there is no point to tell me because it won’t change my mind about anything. Before I know it we are not talking . . . we are in a restaurant full of people smiling and laughing and talking, but somehow we are not included in the steady hum of voices drifting through the building. Then he started texting someone and he never looked at me the rest of the night until I got back to my house. *sigh*

I am starting to lose hope for the survival of this relationship. No matter what I do it is never good enough, or he doesn’t want to do it, but god forbid if I don’t want to do something that he wants to do then it has to get blown out of proportion. When I got back to my house he decided to go home, we walked up to me, kissed my face and turned and walked away. I am so tired of being dissappointed and hurt all the time. Things were going so well, but I should have known that it would never last.

I was talking to a friend last night after all this happened. We talked for maybe an hour until he had to go to bed, so that just left me to my own thoughts. I had myself a good cry, wrote a very important email and then went out driving. My insomnia is back. . . I had only 3 1/2 hours of sleep and I woke up this morning without being tired. That is not a good sign, I am spiraling downwards again. I remember no dreams from last night, just black empty sleep. Nothing.