Poetry/thoughts and a ramble

It creeps in cold and unfeeling.

My heart skips a beat.

Opening my eyes ttrying to adjust.

It sinks in.

NOt enough time to adapt.

and before i know it is all dark and deep.

Cold air in the lungs, a rasp of knocking hutting my chest.

I know then.

I am not human tonight.

I have this inner dark.One knock and then two.

I am not me. I know not you.

I am not me. I am nothing.

IT comes and goes.Sometimes monthes at a time.

I have no need for this.

I want your touch,I want your kiss.

It is better then the way my heart gets when the lonliness gets the best of me.

 

 

SO things that should be known:

1. I have painted a total of 27 paintings in the last three weeks.

2. I like the caleb.

3.My bunny is the cutest thing ever. In case you dont know I bought a bunny.

4. I had a dream last night of being at one of my friends house in arkansas,and it started out with all of us sitting on the couch( some of my friends here,some of my friends there) and we were having a conversation about my integration and how I am doing. Then it ended up with me being on the floor and three of my friends desecting me. WHile caleb and julie and heather watched. Fucking wierd.

5. I have been listening to alot of very sad music lately.

6. I am going to play the sims to day.

7. I couldnt fucking sleep worth a damn today.

8.I hate large groups of people even more then usual.The other day a bunch of my friends and family were going out drinking and stuff and I didnt go. It made me kinda mad cz I couldnt go. WHich is prolly just me being selfish..Gonna have to work on that.

9. The last day I had off me and my mom went shopping and I helped her buy alot of super cute outfits. ANd now she looks hella adorable.Not that she didnt before or anything.

10.I am tired alot. It never seems like I actually sleep. The cycle is gonna kill me.

The most recent songs I have been listening to:

1.alien ant farm/smooth criminal

2. gym class heros/Papercuts

3.SHawn mullins/Lullabye(rockabye)

4.Three dog night/ Joy to the world

5.aretha franklin/respect

6.Cake/Going the distance

7.Carly simon/YOure so vain

8.Plain white T’s/Please dont do this

9.Fiona apple/please please please

10.Kid rock/Only god knows why

11.Lilly allen/smile

12.Filter/Take a picture

13.Depeche mode/personal jesus

14.Foo fighters/The pretender

15.Nofx/ over the rainbow

16.Bouncing souls//true believers

17.The killiers/ all these things that I have done

18 The entire ten things I hate about you soundtrack.

19.Tool/I know the pieces fit.

20.TOri amos/Strange little girl.

So anyway.Ramble:

I think you know who you are in my life. Like a warm blanket I hide under to protect myself from the new and different. But should I? Is it safe to say I need to venture out from underneath the blanket every now and then. And the witchy in me gets a twisted sort of pleasure not telling you why . I do not know what is wrong with me. I am not sure anything really is. Maybe it is because my fractured brain is in fact healing and because it is I see things differently. You like to fix things. I do not need that anymore.

Maybe you need another fixer upper. I am not sure who I am with you any more. I am not sure who I am at all. Unless I am with him. It makes sense with him. It is odd to say that. Since I have not known him as much as you but it is true and for that I want to perserve our friendship. But the hostility for the unravelling my blanket is not something I can tolerate. It makes me angry.

I do not want to come apart at the seams for anyone.

Not even a bear in sheeps clothing.

 

Ps. To answer some ones question: I like the swear word fuck a whole..whole lot. Bitch can be fun too. Othere then that I dont use very many that much.