Well I supose so. (an answer to a question)

Well. I guess I am ok.That seems to be the question at hand. It is pretty simple really. I have alot of fucked up emotions nine tenths of the time and they really are no one’s fault. I am pretty strange. And sometimes it really is just in my head.
Am I Ok?
Uh. I guess. It really is sort of answer. The answer varies really depending on what I am focusing On at the time.
So Yes I supose so and then nope not at all.
You see this is a common misconception. I am not right in the head. Some times I appear ok. I might even look ok to the naked eye and every thing is raging so fucking fast in the inside I can not even think straight. Then sometimes I feel so much it feels like my head is going to explode and my brain is gonna just plop out of my head. Sometimes I wonder why I love. Because when I love I have to make my self Numb to it. Becuase if I dont the whole paranoia issue I deal with on a every day basis gets scary.

Can you just imagine the conversations I have with myself..To reassure myself..I dont love any one that much to be that miserable?
I am sorry if that doesnt make any sense..But hey. you asked if I was ok.;)

And then another thing I have to reassure myself sometimes that I do love people. So I dont shut everyone out and commiserate my loneliness deep into the resesses of my wierd little complex mind. I love the black it is easy to forget there. To ignore. I love the dark. I can close my eyes and imagine any place then where I am. Some where warm with him. Some where. Nice and warm where he is touching my hands and brushing my hair from my face and I feel just a little bit normal.

It is wierd how he can scare me,with one breath and make me feel so sane with another. And Because of that I ache for him  most of the time.
I found some one else that can see through my numb besides him and three other people.
That is my little niece. I was feeling off today when she was here and she was just so sweet. So loving. She just batted my face and threw her chubby little arms around my neck and just laughed. It is really hard to accept feeling sad inside when something so little and sweet and beautiful loves you like that.: )
Then there is moments where I wonder Am I really the person that made the others or did they make me. Am I the Original alter or is it some one else. Why must I fret about these things be a fucking mess because of it..So I ask you..
Do you think I am ok?
Is any one ever really ok?
Huh?
I am sorry if I contridict myself..You should be use to it any way.
Ps. I WIsh you were here.
Siarai