so..I think finding courage is my goal.

I don’t know how eveyone sees me. I am sure some people think i am couragious but when it comes to some things I just appear couragious. It is an act..a musing mask to cover the truth. that while I play the part I am really shaing like a leaf.

And very few people know the actual truth.

I know sometimes I appear as this brave girl that fights and deals and copes with her illness head on. This dibilating mental illness. Because sometimes It afftects me more then I let on.

But you knowwhat? Everyone has weaknesses,Flaws. Things that make them not perfect. And to point out. Perfection can not be achieved. T strive for it is to always make yourself miserable.

But you can strive to be good at somethings..Take pride in who you are. Love yourself. Because sometimes you will have points in your life where loving yourself will be very important. Because if you dont love yourself. Who will? Can someone love a person completely if they don’t love themselves. I really doubt it.

Because if you doubt yourself..Hate your self..deny yourself. How can some one else. Believe in you,Love you..Cherish and protect you. IF you dont do it for yourself no one else will really get the point.

I know. This might sound mean. But I am Tired of beating around the bush. Being quiet.Reserving my feelings to protect someone’s heart. But truthfully my greatest downfall has always been.

I have always waited for the other shoe to fall.To find out the flaws. To prove that those flaws alone make them unable to love me the way I want to be loved.
And here is the thing..I am not doing that anymore.I wil love them for the positives. For what makes them beautiful.

Because when you come close to death as I have in the past you learn one thing.

Everything is really beautiful.If you have to consider not seeing it every day because you wont be around you realize these things.

Everything and everyone is REALLY beautiful.

I learn things in everything I do. today I really listened to Tori Amos..And here is what I learned.

1.Years go by and if I just choke on my tears.There will really be nothing left.

2.Just when you think you have embarrassed yourself beyond belief something else can surely happen. Learn to laugh at yourself. It isnt that bad;)

3.SOmetimes when someone seems unreachable. They just might be. It doesnt mean you should stop reaching but maybe..Just maybe realize that you cant bet your life on something that isnt worth betting on.

4.Sometimes the opposite sex really is just like you.The only difference is the body. the hormones and the thinking process. But in the end we are all human. And we all cry.

5.Sometimes just because something looks like a good solution doesnt mean it is.Give it a try and if you fall climb back up and go a different route. Pain is temporary.

6.SOmetimes when you lose something..it is best t look in the least obvious place. : )

okdoke…that is it..ti amo..siarai.