and i crawl into myself to better deal with it all

I had a really really bad day today. I am not elaborating..

I got a phone call. Someone called and asked G" does sara(insert last name) Live here?"

And he said "yes just a second"

and the person said to me"do you know who I am?" My heart felt like it was ripped out by his voice. my brain felt like it was screaming and my soul felt dead and empty inside just by hearing his voice. For those that are tuning in for the first time it was my husband that i am seperated from.

I felt like dying inside just hearing his voice. I felt scared and depressed and I hated myself just hearing him.

I hate when people get to me like that.

I hate how he can hurt me still.

I thought all this time I have forgotten about him, I forgot how much he could make me hurt.

What is worse is he acted like he was genuinely sorry for what he did and because he is in therapy is all right with the world and all the pain..physical and mental and emotional should just be erased. But I can’t erase it. I can’t just get over it..

It hurts way too much.

Does this make me a baby? Should I just get over it and let it rest?

I mean we have a kid together that he wants to see. so what should I do?

I feel upset down inside myself for trying to make sense to why he was being nice to me instead of just accepting that he was nice to me. I don’t really know what to do or how to feel.

It hurts to breathe right now. It hurts to laugh or cry or smile. My life was not so complicated until he called.

He said he just wants what is best for bud, That he just wants us to be friends(even though I feel like dying in his pressence), That he wants the divorce to be finalized and be well, But I would never feel right..I will never feel hole. But I would sacrifice every inch of my soul for my son and if having Tj (my ex) in his life makes him happy then I will just suffer. I do well at that.

Can someone just put me out of my misery?

It is strange when i was going through all of this today my only thoughts were about how I could make my son happy if he can see him again..

So I ask you this, and you can answer or not..what would you do?

I Need You

I need you to pin me down
Just for one frosen moment.
I need someone to pin me down
So I can live in torment.
I need you to really feel
The twist of my back breaking
I need someone to listen
To the ecstacy I’m faking.
I need you you you

I need you to catch each breath
That issues from my lips
I need someone to crack my skull
I need someone to kiss.
So hold me now
And make pretend
That I won’t ever fall
Oh hold me down
I’m gonna be your baby doll

I need you you you…
Is it you I really need?
I do I do I do

See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
I wait for you

Sleight of hand and twist of fate
On a bed of nails she makes me wait
And I wait without you

With or without you
With or without you

Through the storm we reach the shore
You give it all but I want more
And I’m waiting for you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

My hands are tied
My body bruised, she’s got me with
Nothing to win and
Nothing left to lose

And you give yourself away
And you give yourself away
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you

With or without you
With or without you
I can’t live
With or without you
With or without you
(that is for you and you know who you are)

My heart hurts..Time to cry my fears away.

I hope everyone else id fairing better then i am.:(

Siarai