Nop I can’t do a 4 years update

Hum, this is so funny, reading back what I wrote 4 years ago –

9 entries, many requests/desires from life – and it feels like nothing has changed – Not even my face – but my weight – I was always ‘skinny’, the one who could eat everything, but yet had a yo-yo problem – I’m down to a horrible 95 lbs and feel like I’m sick – It’s not that I don’t like food, but I’m so sad lately that the food doesn’t come in –

Over the years my mental health got worst – when i was a kid I always wondered why my mom was "crazy", now I know, it’s an age thing – When you see too much, hear too much, feel too much, you just hit that wall – I’ve been seeing the psy for a while now, and under anxiety medication which put me in a complete coma state (I hate it) – My panic attacks are getting worst and i’m starting to develop some sort of agoraphobia – Me who loved to travel, just the idea of takin a plane right now makes my heart pump up.

The good thing is that I know I’m not alone – I am not officialy convinced that it’s an age thing – Most of my friends have develop over the years some kind of OCD, or phobia, or anxiety about things that we don’t even know.

I’ve also realised that I love solitud; actually I don’t love it, but isolating myself from others allows me to not answer and not be at the disposal of everyone – Learning how to say "NO" is a class I have always failed, and even if I know it, it feels like I can’t do anything about it.

My head is just so messed up right now – messed up with thoughts that fight over each other, and doesn’t let the other think – Like a jewish-italian couple (not that I know one, but I could imagine the mix) from New-Jersey, yapping at each other and always wanting to be right and start wars – I need a break from me – How do I achieve this? I can’t even do yoga anymore, i hurt my shoulder over 14 months ago and again with the freakin "affraid", i don’t go back not to hurt myself again – I work, come home, try to eat, escape in books, watch non-reality and reality tv, take my pills, let myself fall in a coma, and wake up the next day to play the smae record – At least my medical visits keep some kind of exitement in my life –

Yeah, I have a boyfriend, not just a boyfriend, the guy I always wanted 10 years ago – The guy for who I dumped my first boyfriend (knowing that I had no chance with him) because i felt like I was cheating beacause I was thinking of someone else, the guy who was always in the back of my head when it started getting serious with someone, the guy who I fixed with another girl because it was hurting so much to love him at the time knowing that nothing would happen. Now I’m stuck in my fantasy world of cupid-love-at-first-sight. I know i’m not in a healthy relationship, but i’m stuck 10 years ago – I waited so long for this moment to happen, and i’m trying too hard to hold on to it – maybe i’m just to miserable inside and too anxious to realise what I have (I’m not balancing anything – why can’t my head be like a financial statement : the good cancels the bad, and it evens out – why does everything get on my nervs – and his fuckin blackberry that I want to smash-brake-crumble in pieces-light on fire and let the ashes flow down the toilet). If I have a little girl one day, no way am I making her read disney princess books or making her watch fairy tails that only happen in big hollywood productions – Why do they keep feeding us crap?