hard to maintain

i haven t had time to write in here for the past week – the new job is great – it s not killing e yet, i m still learning a lot, and i dont know if this is gonna be the first and last job i m ever gonna have but i think i m gonna like it – my schedul is already all planned out till march, so i m not going to boston anymore, i have to be here instead, and also on he 19 i have Noemis shower – so i have o plan that o.

with dan, is same shit different day – actually i m trying not to fall out of love with him – when i say fall out of love, i mean try not to let the fear take over. On v-day he cooked for me, but i was so unpleasant, i didn t feel like spending that day with him. I was thinking of Rene, i miss him alot, distance kills relationships- Also adam called me up the day b4 v-day, to ask me not to fall in love with Dan, that I could have my fun, but not to fall in love, I asked why, and he said, bcs we  suppose to get married – i was in bit in shock. i was on msn with him right now, i miss him a lot, but like i told him, he s in seattle, me over here, and there s no way we can have a relationship like that, he has a job and all, and i m starting a new job – i told him that if by 30 i m not married yet, i will ask him – but i think i m at a age right now where i need to settle down – i wsh i could move in with Dan, but i know he s not ready for this – i know it s been only 4 months, but in june or july it s gonna be 8 or 9 months that we r together, and i need this, i need to grow up – i m tired of my life, i m tired of thinking young, i want to have someone that s gonna be there – have my home, come home, and find someone there, share a bed, love,  a animal, .. i want all of those things, i know i m ready, i know i say im ready, but when i m gonna have them ill be scared, but it doesnt matter.

Ok well, let s change the subject or else i m gonna start getting depressed. this week end of course i got pissed at dan, first of all on thursday night we were suppose to go ou see his friend play in this little concert, dan kept telling me all day, i have to go for super withmy mom, and i ll be at ur place around 8:30 – i said, r u sure, r u sure u still wanna go out. him: yes yes yes. he valled me at 7 30 saying he was at his moms place, that it shouldn t take long, then he called at 8h30 to say he was running late, then he called again at 9h20 saying he was still there, but he was too tired and was gonna go home – i completly freaked out on him,i asked him who didn t think he was, that he thinks that i m always gonna be there waiting for him, he made plans, and now he cancelled, and i waited for him the whole freakin night bcs he said we were gonna go out. i let hi know the way i felt, oh god i gave it to him – at the end he didn t have a choice to show up at my house. i dont understand this need of always wanting to be with his mom, and doing everything with his mom – yesterday morning, he went again with her, he s like ill be back soon, she wants to buy an apt, he s like we r just gonna go see the house, i m like okay, so that takes what 40-50min max (knowing the house is down the street) – he left at 10:45, 11h30, no news, 12h30 still no news, i got so pissed, i left the apt and went shopping – till he finally called at 1h20 saying they were still at the house- like what the hell – b4 leaving he was like: yes we ll go out for breakfast as soon as i’ done, aand then go-karting. finally he calls around 2 to tell me he finally got back home, and his mom and him are there and ready to go for brunch – i felt like screaming – like what the hell – we had super with her last night, and he as with her all morning, when i m suppose to be with him – saturday and sunday morning r our mornings – like what the hell. Am i going out with you or ur mom. anyhow, this morning she called at 11h30 – she wanted to see open houses, thank g od he said no or else i think i would have end up my relationship with him right then and there – there s patience and PATIENCE, and i dont have much more left – i mean u see ur mom during the week, and i dont see u, and during the week-end i dont wish to spend time with her, as much as i like her, NO.

anyhow, today, we got up – we made love, and real love this time, i actually felt him, then we showered, had breakfast and wwent down to his office, he needed to do some stuff and i helped him out – we ordered in sushi at night, watch 60 min + a csi that we taped (it was a repeat) – he then dropped me home, and now i m in bed and about to go to sleep.