11h17 am and in bed

This morning i got up from the noise that the "roof guy" is making. They r redoing the damn thing and they started at 8am. Last night I had weird dreams, and for once not about Dan. I had a dream about my friends from college, we went all skiing, and all I know is that I was laughing a lot, the weird thing about that dream is that before getting into the car, going back home, i couldn’t see anymore, i had trouble with my eyes, like if I had cried and it freaked me out.

The next dream was about chile. I decided to put the trip on my visa, I was tired of being here in Montreal, and I needed to see my friends, and "my" chilena family. I wanted it to be a surprise, and the only person that knew about it was Eduardo, my ex. he came to pick me up, and we drove to this cute hotel. I was all excited, i couldn’t believe I was there, and I felt so complete, so comfortable, i felt like i was finally home, and that I only mattered. I was thinking how happy I was to go back to the foundation (that s where i did my internship last year), and how i was so happy to go see my Tìa.

but eventually the noise on the roof woke me up again, and here I was in this room, this room that i hate so much, but it’s the only place I have. This room that doesn,t reflect who I am, i need to get out of here, and I have nowhere to go. Thos city that is so depressing, and yet tourists love it. I wish they had some kind of place called: No where to go. At least I could go there and spend my day instead of watching crap on tv, or reading when i dont feel like it, I wish i didn t have all those papers i need to organise, i wish I had money to actually do the things i want to do , i wish i wish i wish.

Why is it, when I was a kid, i could play hours with my Barbies, coloring books, legos, and the day was never long enough, and now, it is hours and hours and everything boreds me out of my mind. I have no discipline, I could easily get up and do some exercise (well i cant really, i went skiing on saturday, fell and hurt my ass, so i have been putting those stupid heat patch that don t even stick and they smell so bad) – I could actually get out of this bed, and make myself some breakfast, and hein hein, i dont feel like eating or chewing. I just feel like cryin, i feel like nothing.

this morning like an idiot again, i called Dan, i called to say good morning. He is still not going to work today, he s still sick, i m so pissed about that, bcs here he took two days off, and last week i wanted to go on vacation down south with him, his boss told him NO, and here he is taking time off. I understand he is sick, but if we had went to cuba… aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

anyhow, i dont feel being more annoyes then i am. so yeah, i asked him if he wanted me to come over, well of course he said : we ll see, i feel like crap, and of course his mommy his coming over – I can t take that anymore. Last time, we got up early on sunday, so we called his mom to see if she wanted to go for breakfast, she said: how come u kids r up so early, why dont u tired yourself a bit and have morning sex? i was like what, ur mom didn t say that, it s a joke right. of course she was joking, but still, what the fuck.

before i hung up with him, i told him, u know what, forget it, forget it – if he does call back eventually during the day – and he s freaking connected on msn, but yet not talking to me, I m gonna try to be strong and say :FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU DAN, THIS TIME, I LL SE ABOUT IT, ILL SEE IF I WANT TO SEE YOU. YOU WANT TO SEE ME, WELL THAT S TOO BAD BCS I ALSO FEEL LIKE CRAP. well i m not gonna say it that way, but this is how i wish i could say it.