back in bed

hum, i’m feeling a bit better then this morning. I need to stop getting paranoid about Dan. Today he was sick, he called me up at 7:45am to tell me he wasn’t going to work. Yesterday night, i went for supper with my mom, she invited him, but refused saying he had too much work to do, and at the end he went out for supper at his friend’s house – i was really upset! so rude, my mom invites him, he gives me a bullshit excuse and then goes off to his friend – anyhow I have to stop getting upset about that, it frustrates me way too much.

So yeah, he tells me we cannot always be clued together- well duh! i’m not married to you last thing I checked. well I decided last night not to let it, or try, not to let it get to me, so I decided not to call – and yet he called me like 4 times last night, I called back when I left Naomi’ s house around midnight to ask him if he needed a lift home (im really dumb sometimes) – however, you want some space but yet when I dont call you keep calling, You want your space whenever it suits you- however, he was sick, he asked me to come over around 3pm, I brought some Matzah Ball soup that my mom made, and we had that with some mini chocolat square cheesecake, we rented FlightPlan (2.5/5), it was nice. And he was wearing the baby blue AA shirt – the one I love, the one that is so soft – the one he had on when I came over for the first time, he is so sexy in that shirt – but i don t tell him.

After the movie, we kissed a bit, it was nice, and I told him about the diary, about my entry of this morning, i try to express myself as much as i can, if i internalize everything I,ll explode like a bomb, and i dont wanna be that way anymore. so i try to tell him as mush as i can, like that he doesn t need to guess and i wont get upset at him for not guessing how i feel (why do we always do that, we suppose that people can detect the way we feel, and then we get mad at them for not knowing that we feel like crap!) – anyhow, i left around 8pm, i went for dinner with yamina and sandra – i was suppose to go to go see hoodwinked or whatever, but we didn t feel like it anymore. We felt like going out for a drink, mostly me, i feel like getting trashed, but not sick on the next day, i dont know my limits – that s not true, i know my limit and yet i love to go overbored, i love to lose the control, but i hate the next day when i wake up next to mister toilet – when we left the restaurant and got slapped in the face by the cold (freakin ( -)11 celcius), there was no way for us to get out of the car if it wasn,t just to go to bed directly, no stops in between.

So here i am, in bed again, csi is on, I have my James Frey – Into a million little pieces next to me, (i dont care of the story is half true, or not true, even if i m not an alcoholic(i think i was at one point of my life), or suicidal, or a druggy (I only tried three times and i was so dissapointed in myself for being such an idiot, nor a criminal) – I get depressed, sometime i wish i can go into a mental institute, not because i m nuts, but because at least over there i ll be away from the world that i hate so much – no one to judge me, just be able to sleep and not think. I think too much, and sometime it kills me, it wakes me up, my thoughts hunt me in my dreams, while i read, while i m writing these words, while i eat. I need some rest, just one night of sleeping, and no sleeping pills to help me, i dont wanna get addicted to them. But it would be nive not to think for one. My brain is constantly working, i wish i had a switch on and off, and i would use it only when i want.

i want to go to sleep, but i m already thinking about tomorrow, how i m gonna fill up my day, what i m gonna do, how i m gonna miss the grammy s bcs i ll be seeing my friend eric that i haven t seen in like 3 years – maybe ill cancel, but i dont want Dan to think that i cancelled for him, or that I hace nothing to do and that i’m so bored if i’m not with him. I managed 25 years without him, so it’s not today that i’m gonna start getting bored – it s true that the weather is not helping – but at least I should make an effort –

ok, well i think that s enough for me, i wish i could plug in this gadget into my brain and export all my thoughts into the pc without ever needing to type – or remeber that i forgot to write something i forgot to write, i wish i could get all my memories in here without moving, and then just print everything out and read it as a book – mostly i would like my book to be filled with good memories- but like i said, the good things tend to stay in my head, my hard feelings on paper, and then i tend to remeber only the bad.

good night