In bed

I use to have a diary on this web site, a long time ago, I’m not even sure of the year, nor my nickname and my password. Having different hotmail accounts at the time, I don,t even know which one I use to use to sign on nor the passwords, I only remember the title of one entry I wrote, but I guess since I haven’t logged in in a while, my thoughts have been lost or deleted from the cyberworld.

I always feel the need to write when I feel like crap, why is it that I can not write my happy thoughts? my happy feelings? Maybe beacause the last time I experienced such feelings feels like ages ago – and yet I fell in love three months ago with my boyfriend Dan. I didn’t want to fall in love with him, my whole life I controlled my feelings, controlled who I would be dating, and always ended up braking up because I was too affraid of the feelings I couldn,t control anymore. I met Dan on the net, it sounds nuts, I never thought I would actually meet someone online and fall in love with them (well, i don,t know if I still love him anymore, or if I’m just affraid of the relationship and I’m trying to fall out of love again). When he first added me to his chat list, i never though that I would go up and meet him, I came out from a dissapointing relationship last april, and I felt like having a boyfriend would just complicate things – I love being in love, but I also hate being prisonner of love. Right now this is how i feel, i’m a prisonner of feelings, prisonner of an ideal, i’m trying to fight the fear and not let it get over me. I’m conscious about all those things I use to do in my past relationships, they say you learn from ur mistakes, I have but yet it is so hard to change habits.

I went to pick up Dan, I had nothing to do that night, and he was constantly asking me to "hang-out", I told myself that if I didn,t say yes he would never leave me alone, so I accepted. He only had to say FOOD, and I was there 🙂 . I went to pick him up at his apt, when he came in the car i was still on my cell phone chatting with a friend of mine, I felt bad bcs I wasn,t able to hang up and Dan was there waiting for me. When he got in the car, my heart stopped, They say love at first sight doesn,t exist, well at this moment in time it did. We went to this sushi-place called Ginger, He drank some sake, and we ate sushi. everything was just so perfect. Walking back to the car, we stopped at a pharmacy, I bought some little egg-chocolat, and we shared the bag, he fed me the chocolate while i was driving, it was so sweet. As we approached his apt, he asked me if I wanted to go upstairs, I told myself I wouldn,t, but I did. He had tapped THE CSI episode I missed weeks before. I went upstairs, he made himself comfortable, changed his shirt to this soft baby-blue American Apparel long sleeve shirt, the color was perfect on him and the fabric was so soft. we cuddled on the couch, and after the show I went home. He walked me downstairs, and as I got in the car he hugged me, kissed my forehead and my lips, I felt like in heaven. The next morning I was leaving on a 5 day trip, he asked me what I was doing when I came back on the monday, I told him nothing, and he said : dinner at my place – and i just couldnt say no.

I though about him the whole week end, he called me up, whenever i saw his number my heart jumped, it was amazing to know that someone was there thinking about me, that somene cared, and someone wanted to actually get to know me. I was wondering why I was preventing myself from being in a relationship, why i was always trying to avoid the "good". I decided to give it a try, this guy might be different, and we had so much in common it was scary – just the way we were brought up as kids, ans how much our grand-parents meant for us. I know there was a connection over there.

Anyhow, i’m writing this down, and it’s killing me. Last night, when I told him how i felt about our relationship, i feel like i got blinded by love, by the way he was at the beginning, and how i feel like he s taking me for granted, he said: well at the beginning i was in need of affection. "Thank-you, come again" – so what, when u get comfortable with someone, u r just suppose to believe that they are gonna love you forever, never get fed up with the way you act, that u have to take things for granted because no matter what they will always be there. This is not the way it works, I’m not a robot, I have feelings to, i have so much feelings, that he actually made me vomit – 7 times. And the line between love and falling out of love (I don,t like the word hate), is really thin, and i’m gonna take, i’m gonna try (because this time, i actually said i was gonna try and not run away to some south-american country, but when you try so much, and you feel like you are not getting any results, you just fall out. I guess why i’m fighting so much, maybe it s also just in my head, is because He is exactly the way I use to be, wanting th good stuff only when I wanted it, thinking only about my feelings, not talking about the feelings, trying to avoid situation, unconsciously pushing away the person i loved (i never understood, more i pushed away more they wanted to be with me and make me realise what i use doing, but i was too blinded by fear, and never quite cared about their feelings – even the tears didn’t do it for me anymore, I wanted the way out, and then i would just be like : this is not working for me : IT WAS SO BULLSHIT FROM MY PART, of course it work, i had someone to talk to, someone to share special moment with, someone who loved me, cared, thought about me; a bestfriend, a lover, a confident – and everytime to good stuff came around the corner, i wanted it to leave me alone – Maybe It’s from my childhood, trying to push away the good before it pushes me away.

I’m in my bed, thinking, my heart is hurting and I don,t know why, I promised myself i wasn,t gonna call him, or see him for the rest of the week, make him realise that i’m not there to hurt him, that loneliness is not such a great feeling, and that when someone is there to hold ur hand u shouldn,t push them away. One say, i’ll be old and probably sick in a hospital, i’ll probably die surrounded by machines, nurses, doctors and people I don,t know. The people I love will probably not be there, the would have most of them probably passed away, move away, or not have time to come and see me, so as long as i’m young and healthy I would like to share my life with someone, with people. I will die alone, and I dont want to live alone. I’m tired of pushing away, always take what people give you, bcs one day no one is gonna be there to give you anything.