the manic view

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i’ve labored long to find the key that would unlock my ability to write once again…

 

today has been memorable / for reasons i do not understand / my mania has reached a level i have not known in a long time / all day i have gone about my business in a euphoric state of consciousness / open / hemorrhaging…

 

hope / it’s difficult to understand what exactly the nature of hope may be…

 

i have thought often late at night that all the words i had were going to annie / we are intensely into one another / we talk deep into the darkness / our words mingle and mate /  perhaps i had nothing left / to spill across the accepting anonymity of the white page / still /  i never was far from the pressure that only writing has ever relieved  / perhaps an addict is never not an addict / only me trying to convince myself i am not…

 
the long ago relief / the all accepting emptiness of the page? /  a lover? / how can i explain this? / it is not seduction / it a need from the deepest recesses of me / what is the nature of this? / i am not creative in the usual sense of the word / but i see how it is for those that have both the fire and the talent…

 

i have only the pressure…

 

i have felt  this as long as i can remember / i was overflowing and had no way to express myself…

 

anyway…

 

i came here to put down on the page the idea that it is my mania that has always been the enabler / the voice i hear / i transcribe…

 

i have spent decades studying and meditating in an effort to become self aware / only to find that inside me is a cauldron of mysery and fear and  self loathing…

 

but when my tides become manic / suddenly my gaze becomes like an x ray lighthouse beam / and is focused on the universe outside that i think may be inside somewhere but i find myself with my back turned to myself / i no longer exist as i had / the words say i am extraordinary / i have vision that transcends time / space / my sight is inside out…

 

all there is is everything and it is all perfect and elegant and so very obvious / how could i not have seen this universe? / obvious / obvious / obvious…

 

and to come here to say this is / well / ok / i have nothing to prove / no standard to meet / keats and shelley be damned / i’ll say what it is like for me to be me here and now and in the best and only way i am able / and if by some magic it rises to some memorable level and resonates for others / well / i’ll weep when i read the notes / but if not / i’m only a tortured man soul that is doing the best he can do / needs to do…

 

upon reading this in the morning / i hope i don’t feel as if i have embarrassed myself / that i have returned to normal…

 

i don’t blame anyone if you stopped reading after the second line break / i doubt i would have made it much further myself…

 

i feel strangely hopeful…

 

ok / i’m done / see you in the daylight…

oh yeah / new annie photo….