Just Don’t Pity Me…Vulnerable

I’m writing this for me, for no-one else but me, I feel that it could help to vent my anguish that I feel so please if you feel the need to judge in order to make your own life more worthwhile or to make yourself a better person then just don’t read this, just press your back button and head home to some other poor souls life, times and agony.

I am 21 and I have started self-harming again. I no longer use blades, sharps or pins, I now only need to use my own nails. I scratch and I scratch and I scratch until I bleed and my skin tingles and is sore. Why? Because this pain takes away the pain I feel inside. This pain punishes me for the bad person that I am and have always been and probably always will be, as we all know people that are like me don’t change. We are incapable of change as the evil is rooted deep within us. I am the type of person who upsets others just by being around, just by the way I look. Just by the way I am, how I am and how I speak. My lack of intellect offends as does my lack of culture. I try to learn and please but yet that too repulses others from me. I am ugly and fat which makes me socially offensive, I have always been ugly and fat. I may not always be fat, there are ways for me to rid the rolls of flabby disgusting flesh that swamp me, my life and my mind. However, I will always, always , ALWAYS be ugly as there is nothing in the world that could make something like me remotely pretty.

Inside of me there is an immense pain, it burns and stings like the flames of hell are lay there, deep within my soul burning endlessly, torturing me for my sins of my past. Torturing me for my body’s inability to keep my children alive within me, my inability to follow a path in life that would make me a good, normal girl, the girl that my parents would be proud of, that my family would be proud of. Instead my life has been filled with being the girl that nobody wants, even though I want them so much, I want them and their approval I want to hear them tell me they love and they mean it, that they truly mean it, I want to make them proud but how could they be proud of me? Smoking at 12, drinking at 13, Having sex at 14, not that they ever knew, nor will they, left home at 17,  lonelier by 19,then I realized I was gay all the while I just wished I could die, wishing I could just do it myself, just go to sleep and never wake up, then I would no longer need their approval, or their love, or anything else from anything or anyone. I wouldn’t need anything…

I just want all the pain to end…I just don’t want to feel anymore.