08/23/2011

-I can’t seem to focus. And I really need to focus. Isn’t it frustrating when you dont have control of your own body? Of your own brain? But I believe that if Im determined to be focused, then I can be. If I am determined to not be depressed, then I wont be. Problem is, sometimes my depression is a 9 to 5 job and I am just so exhausted and determination runs out. 

-Summer is ending. It’s crazy. How is it almost over? I feel restless. I feel antsy. As if my summer is missing one thing or two. But I dont know what it is. Truth be told, if I had a weekend at the cabin with the boy, it would set my brain and mind and body straight. It would make me mentally prepared for the challenges of this upcoming semester. But there is no time for cabin. This weekend Im traveling to NYC, and then there is one weekend left. And Im praying that I’ll at least relax. 

-My mom has a macular hole in one of her eyes. It’s horrible. Things are blurry to her. And why did this happen? Aging. The process of aging has never phased me. I’ve studied it. Im studying it now. But it was always that distant thing, that would never affect me or my loved ones. And here is my mom. With her vision worsening. What breaks my heart into a million pieces is that she needs to have surgery and cant fly on plane after surgery. And she was going to go to Italy with her sister. My mom, who has not been on vacation for more than 20+ years. Who is stuck in her house. With my depressed dad. Was going to see beauty. And now she cant go. And, I just. Want to cry big tears. And yell at my dad, because he was negative about this trip to begin with. And negativity affects the universe of things. Ugh. Srsly. Broken hearted. 

-They are doing construction around the building I work in. I hate it. I give al the construction workers the evil eye, even though I know it’s not their fault. They took away the parking lot that would save my ass when I was running late to things. If I was running late to class or meeting, I knew I could have a back up of parking there and being where I needed to be in 12 minutes. And now, no backup. I will have to learn how to just be on time. Damn. 

-It was Aliza’s birthday last weekend. She didn’t invite me to her birthday party. Liz had the awkward moment of asking me, the way she usually does, if Im coming to the social event and me saying I wasn’t invited. "Aliza doesn’t like me" I said and Liz tried to come up with some fake excuses. Whatever. Marina forgets my birthday this year. Aliza doesn’t want me there for hers. These are my "best friends" for you. I think as much as I know that they are self-centered, I always have hope. My mom tried to comfort me and told me that I should let these things slide, and that it doesnt matter. In the end, we will all keep in touch and share in our joys. I laughed, because I can’t share in my joys with them. When I got a job, Liz gave me the middle finger and said "fuck you". When I told them I will be paid (very poorly) in grad school, Aliza threw some cusses at me. Oh. Friends. It is true that one needs friends in life. Even though I only depend on my mom and my boy, friends are needed in life. And that’s that. 

-I was going to buy a coke but I was 5 cents short. Fail.

-Three people have told me I have lost weight in the past week. I have no idea what they are talking about. I have the worst diet. I even eat ice cream at like 9pm. But it is true. I used to weigh about 15 lbs more in college. I guess that’s what grad school does to you. You quickly lose the college 15 when you are stressed with work so much you eat horribly and your spenditure of mental energy is like physical energy. 

-I fell into a depressed slump yesterday and watched countless hours of Law and Order SVU. But shhh, dont tell anyone. 

-Ive done a pretty good job lately of not thinking about wedding. I still dont want to plan it. If someone would like to do it for me (and yet still make me feel like Im control, because I do like being in control), then let me know.

-I feel like a lot has happened in the last few months. Ask me something and I may answer.

This is Eva  and a cherry:

1-what is this? can i eat it?
2-Ok, i’ll try it.
3-Wow its rather juicy
4-OMG I hate it, what did you give me?!!!