be here

Is it possible to be sad and happy and sad and happy from one second to another? Its like a competition of the moods.

When I was outside and the snowflakes danced underneath the street lights and the laid out white innocence sparkled on the sidewalks and my cheeks were burning red from the cold, I was happy. But then I came home and I was sad. Maybe because I was just tired. Or maybe I wanted someone to be home to hold onto.

This last semester is off to a rocky start. Im already behind in 2 of my classes and Im ashamed to even mention that I have not applied to any internship or volunteer job.

I cant get myself to sit down and write those cover letters. Fuck.

Ive started using a planner. Ive decided my brain cant handle everything. Too many meetings. Last time I used a planner was 3 years ago. It lasted a few weeks. We shall see how long I shall last with this one.

“So wait, you don’t even know if youre going?” Aliza asked about the spring break trip. Nope. I have no idea if I am going to Baltimore for February break. And its in a month.

Being indecisive is too draining. I need to not be me for a little while. Just cause Im entirely too sick of this.

I cant decide whether to renew my prescription for OD+. I had hoped that magically, they, the gods of OD wouldn’t notice that my 6 months was running out. Alas. The gods have eyes. And im too poor, Ive decided. The beginning of semester always make me feel poor. Could it be because I spend about 100 dollars filling up the fridge? [Our freezer is exploding from the amount of meat from Costco and vodka bottles] I shall not mention the text books. Oh the books! And Im scared that my lab wont pay me this semester and really, I need to save up for when I become a bum in the streets of Boston after graduation.

Marina gave me the penguin she got in her Cheerios cereal box and this little penguin dances. Makes me want to do a penguin dance.

Ive decided I hate zip lock bags. I have no patience for them. Once you close them, you realize there is still air in it and you have to reopen and zip again and it wont zip all the way and ahhhh!

Apparently this one girl formerly known as Marcy is now Marcus. She [he?] lived down the hall from me freshman year. We hit it off great. We loved played foosball. And she was short with long black hair and a surprisingly sweet smile. The following year she chopped off her hair. And the following year she started taking hormones. And soon she will have an operation. But. In my mind she is Marcy. And I cant wrap my mind around the idea that she is no longer a she. Marcus. Marcus. Marcus.

Aliza and I talked about Marcus over tea last night. What I don’t get, is how she is getting rid of her boobs. There are people in this world, that would give anything for the opportunity to fill up a bra. And here she is. Creating a Marcus. Or maybe she was always a Marcus and this is life and death for her just like a breast cancer patient? Or not?

Today Jimmy Carter came to give a speech and answer questions about his latest book. I went just cause I wanted to be able to say “Yeah, I was there when the former president came to speak at Brandeis.” I realized I hate politics and especially a room of 900+ politicians.

I cant stand excuses. It makes me want to punch people. That’s my new expression when Im annoyed with people. My brother says “Idee v zhopu” [which literally means, “go to ass” but it’d be better to translate it to “go to hell”]. I say “I want to punch you.”

What will bring up my annoyance? Things like. “I don’t have time.” Don’t blame it on a barrier that you only make for your own self. Time is one of those things. We have time. For everything. Its just a matter of how you want to apply it.

But this all brings about the idea of whether time exists. And how does it exist. And blah blah blah. If you care to dive into a conversation with me about it, then email me.

Maybe I am annoyed with it, because I use it myself. Its an expression that’s been running in my head for the last week. “AH! I DON’T HAVE TIME” but in reality I know that I have time for everything. By saying it, I am putting up barriers for my own self.

[i like friends who say theyre busy busy busy but they do a little smile and continue "i want to make time for you."]

Anyhow.

This was a useless entry brought to you by the letter P for procrastination.

Im tired.

And I need a hug.

Cause im sad. Damnit.

well your od+ subscription problems should be rectified 😉

kaia

January 24, 2007

*hug*

And, in my experience, sie would have been Marcus all along. You should read “Luna” by Julie Anne Peters – it’ll help explain parts of it. And, so you know – sie and hir are pronouns used for transitioning people. Sie replaces she/he, and hir replaces him/her. <3!

decemberbeach

me too. tired. need a hug. bueno. si. roar. take care.

i had no comment ’bout the plane tickets except “informative” :/ i’m so tired i don’t even want tea this morning. forgive me.

Your incessant need to prove theories is getting frustrating. Live the moment, Elinka. I’d actually already looked up plane prices, though to New Jersey, specifically Newark ’cause I heard it was a bit cheaper. K is constantly trying to prove things to me, it seems, whether she’s conscious of it or not. I’m getting real tired of it in general. What the hell’s wrong withjust BREATHING. Anyway, the moment refers to last night. I went over to K’s because she asked me to and she wanted to talk about “us”, because she apparently needed to (literally) hear me tell her that I don’t feel it’s the right time.

I don’t know, it seems to me like sometimes you say things specifically as a test to gauge my reaction. Welll no, that’s what you’re doing because you just admitted it in your last note. I cannot tell you how much being “tested” pisses me right off. I’m not some bloody subject to be put into a damned thesis report. “Testing” is another form of dishonesty. It’s a sign that the person doing the testing is too cowed to just come out and ask a question. They have to go and use alternate and subtle means to get information. It’s like committing esiponage in friendship. In that vein, let me reiterate my two rules. 1) Honesty. A person who is dishonest with me gets, at most, three chances. 2) No hypocrisy (or at least no hypocrisy that isn’t admitted to) And since “testing” is sneaky, backhanded and dishonest, that would I believe count as one chance.

So then ask, “what are the odds you’ll make it?” Seriously. Or if your little theory is going “He’s just like all other guys and won’t come visit”, then shut it down, assume I’m not going to come, and then if I do it’ll be a pleasant surprise, and if I don’t then you can’t be disappointed.

You’re by no means the only person that prods. I know tons of people who prod. Or I should say, knew. I don’t keep in contact with them for very long. *shrug* Thank you for clarifying how your thought process worked regarding the tickets, but it was still indirect and test-like prodding, however you want to call it. Let’s meld them all into one word. Testprodtheories. Anyway, this is me pointing it out and saying please don’t do it.

It’s fine, but… just ask. I’m always straight up, and if anything vague prodding gets less out of me than a direct question. I don’t do the dodgy bullshit.

I wouldn’t have thought “clingy.” I would’ve thought “she really wants this” and then told you “I know you really want this but I simply don’t know what the odds are of coming. I’m about music first more than anything, and I want desperately to see van Buuren in Holland. I’ll have to see what my finances are after that’s planned out.” *hug* Still heart you, you know that.

Just because a future’s a black hole right now doesn’t mean it’ll stay like that.