speakin’ out

I wish I could speak rhythms and rhymes like I breathe.
 
But my voice gets stuck in my lungs and I cough up mistakes.
 
I wish I could whip up decisions like the top chefs.
 
But all I get is a bowl of raw ingredients.
 
I wish sometimes life wasn’t so cold and bitter like the wind these days that runs against my cheeks and my hands that have become so ridiculously dry and I never had to put on hand lotion but here I am smoothing out my skin and maybe I need some smoothing of soul too because sometimes things are rough, especially when there are mornings when I am so rushed to do things and I end up doing nothing because I am too afraid of what may come if I do them and I swear it is so so so difficult to face the possibility of rejection and especially if people ask you what youre doing with your life since hey youre graduating in less than 5 months and well you have no definite answer unlike that girl who has already been accepted into medical school and her future is all planned out like a road map without even any wrinkles in it she just smiled so wide with her big teeth glowing at me and saying that she knows what she is doing and when I said I don’t know I just don’t know she made that “oh” trying to sound as if it is okay when in reality she pities me and I don’t want to end up on the poster of pity.
 
I wish I could run away with all my dreams
 
But where would I run to? And where would my dreams go?
 
Sometimes I get these really crazy ideas and I mean real crazy in which people would make a scrunched up face and say “yo Elina you cant be serious” but they never would because I would never tell them and there are times when they leak out of me these crazy ideas and I realize that is all that they are crazy because I am a dreamer who doesn’t know her true place in the world other than to love and be loved and sometimes that is all that I want and need because I am human and woman and stuffed with so much heart that I spill into all the wrong places.
 
I wish I was a human who could use logic like any other animal to survive.
 
But instead I stuff puffy clouds of emotion and ideas and dreams into formulas for survival.