dont keep it cold

Id rather not think about time. Looking at my watch has been just to see numbers. Numbers and numbers. Theres plenty of them in the world. What if i refuse to put meaning to them? What if i strip them? What will happen then?

We dont talk about serious things. No. We dont. We avoid them with eyes wide open.

Today my dad pulled me aside. We were whispering on the doorstep. Our eyes kept scanning here and there. We were talking about my brother. "Hes in such a weird mood," i told my dad and that had brought up the topic. He had gone to the endocronologist. She said she cant do anything for him and gave him a referal to an oncologist. What do we do? What does he do? He has been told its cancer. What do we do? What do you do when someone tells you that you may have cancer? [and i wont mention how my mom needs an operation and she has been avoiding it and when i try to ask, i feel like im offending her in some way. ugh. and no one ever talks about it.]

I went to the mall today with my bro, so he can buy himself a pair of pants and I could buy something for myself as well. I was good at being patient with him. We didnt argue, we spoke in quiet voices. We went to Dave and Busters and played games and I caught him smiling and I was at peace. But after we left and we spent more and more time at the mall, we got more and more stirred up. High schoolers. Everywhere. With nothing better to do but roam the malls. And damnit. I hope i was never like that.

We left and i bought myself [and my mom] a book on painting and drawing. Food for the soul.

Also, I find it amusing that a gay guy at the Papyrus store complimented my raggedy blue bag. I had bought the thing for a buck at Marshalls about 7 years ago. And it still looks awesome. And even gets compliments. Go purse go!

My friends and i want to spend New Year’s in New York City. We want to see the ball drop. It was kind of my idea. And I havent had the heart to tell my mom that I wont be home for New Year’s. Its kind of like not being home for christmas. I havent spent every single New Years with my family. I almost dont want to break the tradition. But. Oh. The image of being in the crowded streets of the city when the ball drops and being cold and being surrounded by my best friends and oh. I dont know. At some point this Thanksgiving break, Im going to have to tell my mom. *sigh*

Im also going to have to tell her that im not coming home for spring break. Oy vey. Poor mom.

[the one thing that bugs me about the new years thing is that we will be in nyc and it will all be very american and everyone will kiss at midnight and whom will i kiss? Id be surrounded millions of people and feel the loneliest. I dont want that]

We sat on the couch and she tried to tell me that i need to go straight into grad school and i searched for words to explain why i cant. I cant. Not now. I need to breath. How do i explain that? I need a breath from the school system.

Marcy and i have a lunch date for Sunday. Im excited. I love people like her. We may not speak for months but when we meet up, its as if nothing has changed. It is these rare people in the world that one needs to hold onto. You connect on a level thats beyond time and change. You connect to the core.