bound

It was the perfect autumn day. The one where the sky is blue with the perfectly puffy white clouds, and the sun is shinning and when you look out the window it fools you into thinking that it is warm out. But instead the cold wind rubs against your lips, and scrapes your nose and cheeks into redness. You hide your chin in the warm scarf, and bury your palms deep inside your pockets.
 
I was walking back to my apartment. It was another lengthy frustrating day. With heavy eyes and wandering pens in lectures. With broken computer at lab. With horrible experiment results. [how am I supposed to write a thesis when Im not getting anything???] With mysterious earaches and muscle twiches. With subjects not showing up.
 
I was so quiet. I spoke in whispers today. It was as if saying anything loud would hurt me.
 
I don’t know why I stayed up so late last night. Stupid hormones. Stupid curiosity. I ended up talking on webcam with Evan. Yes. The boy who disappears for months. The boy who stands me up. But a boy nonetheless. A boy who thinks Im hot. And I guess maybe what I wanted out of last night was to tease. To hear the sweet nothings through the static phone line. And know that the assholes of this world, may see me through webcams, may talk to me on the phone. But they will never have me. “If we ever got together, we would have some fun baby,” he kept repeating. And I wondered if I was in a porn movie gone wrong.
 
Ahem.
 
I think I was talking about walking to my apartment.
 
Yes.
 
So the sunset was amazing. I literally stopped and looked at the horizon. Right. In. The. Middle. Of. The. Parking lot. And its amazing how one can have moments like that in parking lots. Where I felt I was the sunset burning the horizon. I was the leaf scratched and torn. I was the naked tree. I was the anxious squirrel scurrying across the branches. I was the cracks in the sidewalk.
 
And I liked. Just standing there. Letting the pinks and the oranges and the yellows burn their uniqueness onto my eyelids. I needed those colors to seep into me. Burn into me.
 
I came home and napped. My roommates had already left. And when I woke up I was finally hungry, after a day of eating just Goldfish. I found the leftover pasta, which was a bad idea to consume. After a few minutes, my stomach was yelling at me.

My brother called and he said he was picking me up early and ow my stomach started to hurt and damnit I still had to pack and clean and wash the dishes and ow my stomach hurt so much. And that was pretty much a very painful 30 minutes. He finally arrived and I asked him to come up and he refused. He waited outside the entire time. And then I spilled garbage all over the floor. And I was already starting to lose it while carrying 10 bags on me down the stairs and he didn’t even come to help me. “Eesh, what took you so long?” he inquired while I huffed and puffed into the tree. “I was packing and running to the bathroom every 5 minutes,” I said through my deep breaths and he quickly snapped back at me “Well I don’t care.” And. I just lost it. I swear. Right then and there. I burst into tears like some 10 year old. A beast had overtaken my body and I was shaking and crying.
 
A meltdown was bound to happen with all the sleep deprivation.
 
But now I am home.
 
We had some family bonding over the television. All four of us sat on the couch. I clung onto my mom while she massaged my head. I was like a kitty. She told us stories during the commercials. Like the time that grandpa decided to get some turkeys. And this is back in Russia. So they were Russian turkeys. And he got them really small and  everyone liked to feed them so soon enough they grew large and mean. They protected the outhouse with long necks. Everyone was scared to pee. They would gobble with big screams. And I giggle at the image of a dozen turkeys gobbling near an outhouse.
 
I am all snuck into my bed. Looking forward to a good night’s sleep.
 
Goodnight folks.